Wednesday, August 31, 2005

End of the Gig

I'm sad to report that Deadbeat Crawdads broke up last night. Brutus griped that that as the bassist, he wasn't getting very much attention from the audience. The audience was complaining that they weren't getting very much attention from me other than the obligatory fruit-pelting at the end of each show. The owner of the Geogeo Lounge wanted us to open for Seth LaPod, after we'd clearly had an understanding that Deadbeat Crawdads would open for Sunny Sings Sinatra.

"Enough already," I said to the owner. Everyone in the room was quiet, waiting for me to throw a tantrum. I am glad to say I disappointed them. (I suppose Phil will be relieved that he doesn't have to sing in Latin.)

I'm going to take a few days off to think about what I want to do next. In the meantime, does anyone know where I can get a good mango daiquiri? I'm also craving some honey-glazed bananas a la mode.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

My brief acting career

Long ago, when I was a young gorilla, I auditioned for a role in "King Kong: The Legend Reborn" but ultimately lost out to Rick Baker. However, I caught the eye of one of the directors of "Wonder Woman." I guest-starred as Gorilla Grodd of the Secret Society of Super Villains. Here is a picture of Lynda Carter and me talking during a scene break:

(Back then, I wore my fur long. It was the 1970's, after all.)

Although Lynda Carter and I got along well, the character of Wonder Woman thoroughly trounced Gorilla Grodd, and thus I never returned for future episodes. After a few more half-hearted attempts to pursue my acting career (my best-paid gig was as an uncredited extra in "Farewell to the Planet of the Apes"), I traded the silver screen for a silver platter and decided to train as a chef.

Not exactly a fan letter

I got this note in my in-box this morning from one of my fans:

Dear Brad,

I'm sorry to say I feel you're being a little too pushy. I'm happy to give your new blog a try, I will comment when I have something to say, but when you leave comments in my journal like "when are you coming to my gig" and "why don't you have me listed", I start feeling coerced. Of course, I understand you're an eager, even rambunctious, young gorilla, and you are only acting out of your enthusiasm and desire to have me join your fun. However, sometimes you can get away with pushing someone into fun, sometimes you can't. Please let me decide in my own time when and how to participate.

All I can say is I'm flattered that some people consider me a young gorilla. I'm in my 40's, after all. My landlady made me apologize and said I really should make cookies to show my deep regret. Hah! Instead, I'll make creme brulee with chocolate sauce.

Now where is that torch when I need it?

Monday, August 29, 2005

A Song in Latin for Phil the Critic

Phil, the music critic, said to my landlady, "I don't think that Brad actually knows real Latin. He just knows Gorilla Latin, which is remarkably akin to Pig Latin, only with gorillas instead of pigs."

I would take offense at such slander, except that I know Phil can't converse in Latin, so it's not as if he would be able to recognize my superior sentence diagramming and conjugating skills if they reared up and bit him on the chin. However, such a jest should not go ignored. Therefore, let justice be sweet and swift.

Phil, here is a little song in Latin for you to learn. You will get to sing it this Friday before Deadbeat Crawdads' gig at the Geogeo Lounge. You have 3 days and 4 nights (including tonight) to learn it. The band will accompany you. Then, and only then, will honor be satisfied. ("Gorilla Latin," indeed. Phy! Fabulae!)

Senex MacDonaldus

MacDonaldus Senex fundum habet.
Et in hoc fundo,
Nonnullas boves domesticus habet.

Cum, “Moo, Moo,” hic,
Cum, “Moo, Moo,” ibi,
Hic una, “Moo,” Ibi una, “Moo,”
Ubique una, “Moo, Moo.”
MacDonaldus Senex fundum habet.

Strange Critters

Ask any gorilla what he or she thinks of the theory of homo sapiens as having descended from the same ancestor, and the response is likely to be the same the world over: outraged laughter. There are six species of apes, and while some people claim that human beings belong to the so-called "lost seventh species," all of the gorillas know that the theory is utter and complete hogwash. Just because you humans wear wrist-watches and drive cars doesn't mean you automatically get to be part of Club Primata. For all I know, perhaps you descended from the dinosaurs. Just take a look here:

Dinosaur Adventure Land

Thanks (but no thanks) to Castironskillet, the proprietor of the Green Dragon Inn, for bringing this theme park to my attention. If you humans think you and the dinosaurs are contemporaries, then by all means, be my guest. Have each other over for dinner, for all I care. Let me know when you're finished constructing your time machine, too. I'd love a ride. (I'd also love to know what you're smoking, too, because it's definitely not a box of Cuban cigars.)

In the meantime, here is some wallpaper for your computer:

Sunday, August 28, 2005

If You Really Must Dance

If you really must dance to "S.P.Q.R." then the ever-so-humble Melangell has figured out the moves for you to attempt. Disclaimer: if you twist your ankle or break your neck trying to execute these steps, don't even think of suing me. Bradley Enterprises will clean your clocks.

Melangell writes:
- Actually, doing "S.P.Q.R." is easier for me than doing "Y.M.C.A." Although first one must decide, "Am I going to do the letters so that someone looking at me can read them, or are they for myself?"
I will describe them as for myself, and you can reverse them if that please you more.
S = Left arm curves over the top of the head, right hand curves under the Dan Tien (or solar plexus, or belly.) I am not sure of the transliteration there.

P= the left hand drops to the side, the right arm curves up in an arc beside the head.

Q = both arms arc up over the head, as if creating the sun. The right leg angles out to the side.

R - The right leg remains angled, the right arm drops a bit and arcs out about the head, and the left arms drops to the side. (in otherwords, a P with the right leg angled out to the side.)

I hope, Brad, that this meets with your satisfaction.

Sure! I'm satisfied. However, you'll never catch me doing the "S.P.Q.R." dance. I'm more of a "Louie Louie" kind of hoofer. (Which reminds me, when are we ever going to get it together to make "Louie Louie" the state song of Washington?)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Senatus Populusque Romanus: the song

I have never liked the song "Y.M.C.A." Ever. There was one exception, when it was done rather well in the film "Wayne's World 2," but other than that, there are no exceptions. I find it most undignified that humans would find it amusing to twist their bodies into representations of capital letters. What are you people thinking? You can't even lift your foot to scratch your ear.

That said, I have a confession to make. Last night, as I was working on some tricky Latin declensions, I was forced to admit that there had been some lyrics jingling in my head to that ubiquitous Village People tune. I put down my copy of Harrius Potter et Philosophi Lapis and Brutus and I jammed for a bit. We came up with this ditty:

The Senate said, “This is our Rome,"
And the people said, “It’s also our home.”
They said, “Romans, we're the best in the town
In the Eternal City"--

“Romans, (neither women nor slaves)”
They said, “Romans, let’s all go for a bathe!
And right after, we’ll all shower and shave
For the games at the Coliseum—"

It’s grand to have our own S.P.Q.R.
It’s great to have our own S.P.Q.R.

“We’ve got togas and grapes, we can drink a few beers,
But watch out for young Caesar"--

It’s grand to have our own S.P.Q.R.
It’s great to have our own S.P.Q.R.

P.S. My landlord and landlady say that not too far away from the fountain pictured, you can find some of the best coffee in all of Rome. Every time someone ships them a kilo of San' Eustachio coffee, they cheer and dance. When the last bean is gone, they cry into their empty coffee mugs. It's rather embarrassing.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Someone just wrote to me to ask me to take a look at I did. I am shocked and appalled beyond measure. Look at what I found:

Whitaker's Journal
I know, it looks innocuous. But read on:

Brad the Gorilla
wcu and I are at his place chillin' (because I'm homeless right now) and looking through pictures. When this one came up, Jason was immediately like "OMG why does brad look like a gorilla!?!" While writing up this entry was forced to inform Jason of the time that Brad and I went shopping, only to have Brad tear into a bundle of unpeeled bananas, saying "If monkeys can do it, why can't I?" Heh. So much fun to come this summer.

Repeat after me: Gorillas are not monkeys. Got it? (Curious George is not a monkey either, he's a chimpanzee, but that's a topic for another post.)

To add insult to injury, I found this photo linked to the aforementioned post:

This biped is not Brad the Gorilla. Do not be fooled, even if someone who calls himself "Brad" comes up to you in a gorilla suit and claims he can flambĂ© bananas. If he doesn't know about Brad's Secret Sauce™,you can bet your boots he's an imposter.

Sing a song of Technorati

If you're looking for me in Technorati, here's what you get when you find links that don't connect to my blog. Of course, there are numorous references to the actor Brad Pitt, about whom I am not too fussy. (Brad Pitt is going to have to acquire more body hair if he wants to look like me.) I would much prefer to be associated with the digital artist Brad Pitre. Who wouldn't?

Here are some of my preliminary finds:

Stumbling and Rumbling

The young lady is probably 21 or 22 and I thought she was actually pretty attractive. Her significant other, however, looks like a silverback gorilla.

In other words, the young lady's significant other was even more stunning than she was. I'm sure the young lady was pretty. However, silverback gorillas are a breed apart. If you ever met one, you'd know.

Incudine's Log

Hairest [sic] Person In East High School... and the nominees are:

Sam Pecone
Arpie Afghanistan
A Gorilla
This Guy

Hah! These people in East High School should see my landlord. Before my landlady gave him a trim, my landlord's hair was all the way down his back.

Sarah's Space


93. BRAD: scradly

Of course Sarah's favorite animal is a gorilla. I had not a doubt in my mind. As far as "scradly" goes, I am over the moon. "Scradly" is a regional dialectual inflection of the word "scrodly" which comes from the word "scrod." While once scrod refered to fileted cod, now it simply means "catch of the day." So, someone who is "scrodly" is considered quite the catch in a romantic sense. While I have no interest in romance with human beings, being called "Scradly Bradley" is nothing but a compliment of the highest social order. I'd pound my chest with pride, but I have a lit cigar in my hand.

Question Form on a Live Journal

In answer to the question, "If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?" Nuhnuhnamita replies:
"A baby gorilla in its natural habitat. which, I guess, would mean it wasn't really a pet, just a creature I get to hang out with."

Nhnuhnamita, you're my favorite kind of human. I'm no baby gorilla, but we could hang out and have Pan-Asian pizza any day. Not today, though. Bradley Enterprises has a deadline to meet. In fact, I'm going to stop blogging now, and go boss someone around. Vale, lacerte!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Mushy Oatmeal of Life

I woke up early this morning because Brutus was snoring. I decided to go upstairs and sleep in my landlord’s room. Soon after, I got kicked out of my landlord’s room. He said I was snoring. What rubbish.

Then Ulric made oatmeal for breakfast. I like steel-cut oatmeal, but not the mushy kind. Ulric made the mushy kind. Ulric has been making mushy oatmeal for breakfast and lunch for the past week, and I’m getting sick of it. The deal is that he makes breakfast and lunch, and I make dinner. I serve him gourmet dinners and I get mushy oatmeal in return. I sent Ulric out with a shopping list. When he came back, he claimed the store didn’t have any ugli fruit. How am I going to make broiled ugli fruit with cranberry-orange sauce without the ugli fruit? I am a chef, and I need proper ingredients.

I was going to go out shopping myself, but my landlord refused to let me borrow his car again. The scrapes on the car from last time weren’t my fault. (Not much, anyway. Why does everybody make such a big deal about my driving?)

Things seemed to look up when I went to the beach with my landlord’s family. I didn’t go into the water (I don't even like baths!) but I still got sand in my fur. Then I wanted my landlord’s daughter to give me a head-scratch to remove the sand. She wouldn’t do it. Doesn’t she know about grooming? Grooming is an important part of a biped’s nature. My landlady finally showed a spark of compassion by brushing the sand out of my fur. Sometimes she can be kind when she’s not grousing about all of the dishes I use while cooking in her kitchen.

I sent the proprietor of the Green Dragon Inn a dish of chocolate mousse with banana puree and grated coconut, just to show I had no hard feelings about the job, but I haven’t heard back from him. Rumor has it that he’s taken over the cooking and has been wearing my chili-pepper apron. My landlady let me borrow one of her aprons until I can get another one.

There is a bright spot in all of the gloom: Deadbeat Crawdads has landed a last-minute gig at Bumbershoot 2005. The reason we got the gig was because both Devo and Ani DiFranco had to cancel their festival appearances. I hope The Donnas don’t cancel as well. Where would rock and roll be today without the rowdy music of The Donnas?

Just so you know, here are some things I like:

1) Notes of appreciation
2) Epistles of admiration
3) Fan letters
4) Positive comments

I especially like lots of them.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Deadbeat Crawdads' First Gig

Deadbeat Crawdads' first gig was okay, not great. The drummer of Library Science sent his apologies for not showing up, so we had the audience keep time by tapping on their beer glasses. That worked out pretty well for the first number in our set, "Yes We Have No Bananas/Peter Gunn Mashup" but not so well later on for the syncopated "Deadbeat Bottom-dweller Boogie-Woogie Blues." The highlight of the set was probably our anthem, "Evolve Already!" We ended up with 75 cents in the tip cup . Phil, the music critic, wasn't able to come to the show, but he did send us a complimentary fruit-basket to use for our final song, "Pelt You With Peaches (You Rotten Tomato)."

I wouldn't be up this early except that the landlord's toddler daughter woke at 5 a.m. My landlord and landlady really needed the sleep, so I stayed up and played guitar with her. The funds from the Inappropriate Word Jar will go toward guitar lessons for her later on. Hey! In theory, if I play my cards right, someday I can get back all the money I had to put in...

Inappropriate Word Jar
Fines based on frequency & severity.
25 cents initial violation.
Stiffer penalties for religious profanity
& cursing blue streaks.
(Fines doubled for Brad the Gorilla.)

Friday, August 19, 2005

Out of a job, but into a gig

I'm out of a job again. The proprietor of the Green Dragon Inn was very cagey about my salary. When I got huffy, he suggested that perhaps I had deep emotional issues that needed to be addressed before I came to work for him. Hah! I flung my chili-pepper apron on the floor and stomped out. In hind-sight, perhaps I shouldn't have done that. I liked my chili-pepper apron.

As a Gorilla of Honor, I will not divulge the secret of the Green Dragon Stew, but I will give you some hints as to what the secret of the stew isn't:

1)It's not dish-soap.
2)It's not brake-fluid.
3)It's not lite-beer.

I'm taking this opportunity to assess my career change, and have decided that perhaps I'll open up a milkshake bar. There are so many coffee-shops and not enough milkshake bars. I'll start with a kiosk and work my way up to a circus tent. Someday, I'll earn enough money to buy that empty lot across the street and have a whole milkshake restaurant. In the meantime, I'll just rely on the quarterly earnings from Bradley Enterprises and the tip jar for the Deadbeat Crawdads gigs. I have high hopes for our first gig. Philip the Pun, a famous music critic from Boston who's breaking new ground in the Puget Sound Region, has agreed to review our show. We're playing at Ratzinger's tonight! See you there, Phil. (There's still no word on the drummer from Library Science, but we'll wing it if we have to.)

Per aspera ad astra.

Gorilla always wins

Today, my landlady wrote a post about me called cockroach vs. gorilla.* She actually says kind things about me, which is rare for her. She usually gives me grief for shedding fur on her carpet.

*Of course, in a battle of cockroach vs. gorilla, gorilla would always win. Always.

You may speak

To all my fans, especially ABCGirl:

I have decided that you do not need a Blogger account in order to post comments. However, simply leaving a comment and not your name is an unacceptable form of etiquette on this blog. I don't care if the "other blogs" allow it, you can't do it on mine. I welcome all of your fan letters, but if you forget to leave your name, I will tinker with the comments so that your name comes up as "Genghis Stinkpot" or "Fluffydoodle Smoochypants." Ergo, sign your name to your fan letter. (Nom de plumes O.K.)

Note to potential spammers:
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Baby photo

I just got a mention in the Takoma Park Maryland Library blog. The person to whom the writer refers, Reynard the Fox, is the library mascot. Often, he whispers into the children's librarian's ear before storytime, but he's been known to encourage the library staff to say rude words. Often, someone will utter something crass, and then follow up with, "Reynard made me say it."

I don't have any recent photos of Reynard, but I do have this baby photo of him wearing a diaper. He's going to be so mad when he sees it. Here it is:

Oh no--It's my baby picture. Delete, delete, delete. Shucks. The delete button isn't working.

I remember this photo too well. My landlady, who knew me back when I was a little baby, thought it would be neat to dress me up for a photo calendar. This was the January photo shoot. I ask you: what's my landlady doing giving a wine-glass to a baby? And what's the funnel on my head supposed to be-- a party hat?

This is a low day in blogging for Brad the Gorilla. I'm going to go throw a few of the landlady's pots and pans around the kitchen just to blow off steam. Then, I'm going to heat up leftover aloo gobi and make a shandy. I'm not a baby anymore!

I got this email in my inbox today:

Nice try. Baby picture, my foot. That was you, last New Year, thinking
you were drunk, putting the diaper and funnel on in a haze of
confusion, having no recollection of the incident but plenty of
remorse that you were caught in the act. No more partying for you.


P.P.S. There is now a black and white photo of Reynard on the library website. It's okay. I've seen better.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Deadbeat Crawdads

In addition to all of my other projects, I have started a new band. It is called Deadbeat Crawdads. It embraces a fusion of the rhythms of Swampy Maryland (where I grew up) with that of the harmonies found among the music of Cascadia (where I live now.) So far, I have the following positions filled for Deadbeat Crawdads: vocals (me), lead-guitar (me), rhythm guitar (me), and bass (Brutus.) I need a drummer. I thought I would talk to the drummer of the dub band Library Science, since he just might be wild and woolly enough to complete my lineup. Rumor has it that he charges an arm and a leg, though. I hope he doesn't mind getting paid in roast chicken.

In other news: Green Dragon Inn has hired me to become their virtual chef. Victory is mine! I have sent them the preliminary menu. I included ABCGirl's photo of the candlestick salad, and the proprietor laughed so hard he dropped his monocle into his beer. I fished it out for him, and then he complained about finding bits of fur floating around in the beer. When I told him that I didn't think a little bit of fur was such a big deal, he replied, "Etiam capillus unus habet umbram."

Smarty-pants! There is no pleasing some people.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Candle Salad courtesy of ABCGirl

ABCGirl sent this note to my landlady this morning: Since he's snooty and won't let me talk to him without a blogger account, just tell Brad that I found a photo of the "1/2 banana on pineapple" dessert that he mentioned. I think it's called a "candle salad." He could maybe use this photo for his new menu.

I must point out to Ms. Happy Stuff that the "candle salad" photo looks like nothing that would show up on a dieter's menu. Everyone knows that dieters don't eat things with whipped cream on top. They may as well have something good and eat bananas foster. However, this photo just might be rude enough to show up in Green Dragon Inn's regular menu. De gustibus non est disputandum is what I always say.


Monday, August 15, 2005

Green Dragon Inn alt-menu

I have been looking for a new job lately. I'm tired of simply running my own business in the basement of my landlord's house. My landlord has his office in the basement as well, and he plays Philip Glass, Stereolab, and Future Bible Heroes ALL DAY LONG. I have to strum my electric guitar extra-loud just to cope.

I'll still keep my own business, of course, as I am the CEO, but I've been sending out my resumes to other places. In particular, I am hoping to become the chef of a tavern or alehouse with a small but devoted following. Recently, I sent my resume to The Green Dragon Inn. The current menu is pretty limited: Coffee, Ale, Rum or Whiskey; Hearty Stew with Dumplings, and the proprietor refuses to divulge what is in the stew (besides dumplings, of course). Even though I am a vegetarian, I risked a taste of the stew when the proprietor wasn't looking. It was awful! There is something in the stew that Should Not Be (eggplant perhaps?) I sampled the whiskey (also when the proprietor wasn't looking-- even though one of the rules is "no patting the wenches," he certainly likes ogling them a fair bit), and it was pretty good.

I have some suggestions for revitalizing the menu of The Green Dragon Inn. There are three categories of food: Hearty, Dietary, and Shi-shi.

Deep-fried bananas; cottage cheese with pineapple; curried mango canape

Groundnut stew; cold cucumber soup; gaspacho.

Main dishes:
Mujadara; hummous on rice cakes; paella

Salad: Brad's House speciality (secret recipe; we won't be discussing the ingredients here)

Dessert: bananas foster; 1/2 banana on a ring of pineapple; bananas foster cheesecake (secret recipe)

Listing all these foods is making me hungry. Ulric has been in charge of the meals as of late, and I've had nothing but oatmeal, peanut-butter sandwiches, and room temperature soup-from-a-can. Of course, I just found out that my landlord took Ulric out to dinner to St. Cloud's last night and didn't take me because he didn't want to get my fur dirty! I am most put out. I would throw a fit, but I want to appear to be a responsible chef for my potential new employer, whomever he or she may be.

I'll just throw a few dishes instead.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Bradley Guitar

Some of my readers have expressed skepticism about a guitar company actually naming a guitar after me. I should be offended, but I'm in a good mood, so I shall simply provide photographic proof for you:

There, I hope that settles the matter.

By the way, donations for Bananas Gorilla's defense fund are rolling in! That doesn't mean we don't still need your help, though. In lieu of cash, some barter is acceptable. Let me know what you want to offer, and I'll let you know if I want it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Justice for Bananas Gorilla

Within the classic tome of Richard Scarry's Busiest People Ever, Lowly Worm leads Sergeant Murphy on a chase to catch someone who has robbed the grocery store. After failing to find the real culprit, Lowly Worm accused Bananas Gorilla for the simple reason that "Out of all those people Bananas was the only one carrying something [bananas, of course] that could be stolen from a grocery store." With only flimsy circumstantial evidence far away from the scene of the crime, Sergeant Murphy carts Bananas Gorilla off to jail.

Does this really make sense, especially since Bananas Gorilla grows his own organic bananas in his own backyard? Who is really robbing the grocery store, and why do Sergeant Murphy and Lowly Worm hold grudges against Busytown's favorite ape? Blogger Brad the Gorilla continues the ongoing journalistic investigation in his blog that Simian Gazette calls "a roaring success" and calls "a blog that just won't go away." Support the blog and the defense for Bananas Gorilla by sending large donations to: You might receive one of the nifty tee-shirts pictured above.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Brad FAQ

1) Q: Who maintains the Brad the Gorilla blog?
A: Brad the Gorilla.

2) Q: No seriously, who maintains the Brad the Gorilla blog?
A: See answer to question #1.

3) Q: When is Brad’s birthday and how old is he?
A: August 14th. (Brad says, "My age is none of your business.")

4) Q: What kinds of birthday presents appeal to Brad?
A: Good
chocolate, “Havana Banana” cigars, light-up spark toys, funny hats, gag-gifts.

5) Q: What is Brad the Gorilla’s full name?
A: Bradley the Gorilla.

6) Q: Where did Brad go to school, and what did he study?
A: For some reason, most of the institutions in question do not wish to have a formal affiliation with Brad. He attended a small college in the Midwest and a prestigious cooking school in the south of France. Currently, he is attending the Cornish Arts School in Seattle,WA, where he is a first year student. Brad was a Latin major in his undergraduate program, and specialized in Euro-Asian cuisine at his cooking school.

7) Q: Does Brad really know Latin, or does he just take Latin phrases from fun Latin sites?
A: Brad says, “Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo.”*

8) Q: Is Brad an eligible bachelor?
A: Only in the sense that Brad has never married and plans to keep things that way. While Brad appreciates the admiration of the females who frequent his blog, he wishes them to know that he is in no way interested in dating anyone. However, he doesn’t mind the presents his admirers send to him.

9) Q: Who handles Brad’s fan letters?
A: Brad answers all of his e-mail fan letters personally. He has been known to charge $10.00 USD for an autograph, but he has pointed out that $10.00 USD is a bargain compared to the preposterous rates
Galetea and ABCGirl charge for their autographs, especially since Brad signs his name with a pen held between his toes.

10) Q: What is Brad's position on the theory that human beings are primates?
A: Brad is currently working on a monograph refuting such a vulgar and preposterous notion. Brad says, "Neither the evolutionists nor the creationists have it right. Just because they're confused over the
differences between humans and apes doesn't mean that the apes have to stand for it. We do wish you would stop pestering the Mountain and Lowland gorillas. How would you like it if one day you became an endangered species?"

*Translation: "Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out."

Advice for Tony

Tony wrote to me, "Dear Brad, how can I get more people to read my blog?" Actually, he didn't write to me, but he should have, so I am helping him out all I can. He is my landlord, after all.

Dear Tony,

There are lots of things you can do to make your blog better. For starters, you could give away free stuff. If you gave away free stuff like motorcycles and trips to Istanbul, I would visit your blog every day. I might even comment from time to time. Also, think about the possibility of visiting other blogs and writing in the comments fields, "Visit my blog RIGHT NOW or I will throw a fit!" That's guaranteed to get results. It always works for me, anyway.

Brad the Gorilla

P.S. I ate the last of the breakfast cereal. I hope you don't mind too much. I was hungry.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Noodles and Cake

Here is a song I made up recently for the amusement of my Landlord's daughter, with no apologies to Dennis Lee. If anything, Dennis Lee should apologize to me.

"Noodles and cake,
Noodles and cake,
If I don’t get some,
I think I’m going to ache.
Take away my whiskey, take away my steak,
But don’t take away my noodles and cake."

Part of this poem is not true, of course. I don't care if you give away my steak. Like the rest of my species, I'm a vegetarian! As stated in my profile, my favorite foods are bananas, peanut-butter sandwiches, and steel-cut oatmeal.

If you took away my whiskey, though, that would be another story. I would probably throw a fit. So don't do it.

Greetings from Brad

Hi everyone. This is Brad the Gorilla. I used to take over Tony's blog from time to time, but Tony told me to stop it and to get my own blog. Tony is my landlord, so I had better listen to him, even though it is my normal practice not to listen to anybody.

So, here I am, ready to express myself.

For starters, here is what you get when you google "Brad the gorilla is:"

1) The exact strength of Brad the Gorilla is currently unknown.

2) Brad the Gorilla is worth watching.

3) Brad the Gorilla is a major star, even if the man deep down inside of him is an unknown.

4) Brad the Gorilla is taking the zookeeper's keys out of his pocket.

5) Brad the Gorilla is the largest and most powerful of all living primates.

6) Crouch or kneel down, so Brad the Gorilla is above or across from you, if that’s possible.

7) Brad the Gorilla is urging members of the public to contribute to his lobola fund by sending a R5 SMS with the word "gorilla" to 36365.

8) According to scientists, after chimpanzees, Brad the Gorilla is the closest relative to humans, sharing about 98 percent of the same genetic material.

9) Remember -- if Brad the Gorilla is happy, you're happy.

10) Next time you have this dream, try to remember, in the dream, that the entirescenario is just a dream and that therefore – Brad the Gorilla is just an illusion.

11) Brad the Gorilla is ‘made of tough, hardened steel, which cannot be drilled, sawn or bent’.

12) Far from being an aggressive animal, as the legends claim, Brad the Gorilla is gentle and peaceful in his habits.

13) This final manifestation of Brad the Gorilla is truly the total package.

14) Brad the Gorilla is merely the physical husk around the finer form.

15) Brad the Gorilla is cute and very husky.

Everything here is mostly true.