Tuesday, October 31, 2006

OK in the shop

Back by overwhelming popular demand, here is the link to The Brad Shop. All proceeds go toward the purchase of a helicopter for Bradley Enterprises.

Since Spreadshirt discontinued their toddler sizes (confound them), Monkey has had to live bereft of Bradapparel. Now, Monkey need fret no more: there is a new item in the shop just for him (and everyone else who buys it). Don't think of it as a bib, think of it as a cape for a superhero. Happy Halloween!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

My life as it is now

This photo is humiliating. I am a 452 lb gorilla, and yet the Landlord's daughter, has the audacity to coerce me into dancing with her. I'm not Philomena, who is so graceful that she appears light as a bubble and delicate as a dragonfly. The whole time, I was worried about accidentally stepping on the Landlord's daughter's toes and crushing them. Egads! The girl knows no fear. I suspect I'm growing soft-hearted in my middle age, and must figure out a way to maintain surly gruffness when faced with toddler persistence.

Tee-shirt sales to benefit the acquisition of the Bradley Enterprises helicopter have slowed considerably. It's too bad, because a Brad the Gorilla tee-shirt enhances any outfit, casual or business. Behold:

This is a photo of my Landlord and his daughter. My Landlord is wearing a Brad the Gorilla tee-shirt. It lends him an air of gravitas. By the way, I don't know where the Landlady was when I took this photo, but I suspect she was swilling the freshly-pressed spiked cider before passing out in the pumpkin patch.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

"Brad is..." so famous

Whenever I worry about my fame potentially fading, all I have to do is go to the internet to rediscover how famous I really am. When I type in "Brad is..." I find:

Brad is a freelance writer, investigative citizen journalist/blogger.

True! It was the first hit, too.

She does not yet fully realize how inadequate Brad is going to be as any kind of long-term prospect.

True! No one will ever entice or trick me into a long-term relationship, not even Lady K.

Kathy begins to suspect that Brad is having an affair with Sarah, and so she arranges a dinner party for the two couples.

False! I am having an affair with no one. Who's Sarah? I'll bet Nonny would know. Nonny, who's Sarah?

I know Brad is hurt that Denise is engaged, but doesn't he realize he just gave Alan a challenge?

False! I'm fine with Denise's engagement. Alan had better watch out, though.

Now Brad is set to star as the investigative journalist played in the series by Brit actor JOHN SIMM.

Well! I didn't even know someone was making a movie about my life. I'm flattered. I'd better get royalties.Mr. Simm is going to have to bulk up a bit if he's going to look like me. Mr. Pudding, aren't you thrilled that a Yorkshireman is playing me? I sure hope he gets my accent right.

She supports the family while Brad is allegedly studying to pass a bar exam.

False! I have never studied for any of the 5 times I took the bar exam.

“Brad is a superstar,” said Max Stier, president and CEO of the partnership. “He has been a house on fire. Nobody meets him who is not delighted.”

True! I have never met Max Stier, but when you're famous (as I am), word gets around.

Brad is a different story, daydreaming through life in search of lost youth.

False! I am not searching for lost youth. I deliberately got rid of it. I'm a grouchy old gorilla.

Raised in Washington state as the youngest of five children, Brad is fit and athletic — the hallmarks of many successful Survivor contestants.

Someone did not do his or her homework. Even though I am fit and athletic, I was not raised in Washington State, and I am not the youngest of five children. Chad the Gorilla is younger than me, remember?

Brad is supposed to be studying for his bar exam, but he's more interested in teenage pursuits, such as skateboarding or football.


"Brad is not pretentious. There's nothing artsy-fartsy about him," says Running With Scissors director Ryan Murphy.

False! And true! I am pretentious, but there is nothing artsy-fartsy about me, unless of course you count the time I attended art school. I got thrown out by the end of the semester, though. Philistines.

Brad is not dissatisfied with his stay-at-home status; his previous failure of the bar exam and present lack of will to study situates him in a lifestyle of watching his son while his beautiful wife (Jennifer Connelly) works to support them.

Everything is true except the part about the son and the wife.

Brad is a full time professional performer with outstanding vocals. ... Brad is available for tribute shows, Elvis-grams, special events, parties, reunions, carnivals, anniversaries, weddings or store promotions.

True! Except for the part about weddings and store promotions, of course. Those events are strictly Monkey's jurisdiction.

“Brad is a very talented driver and has an incredible NASCAR future ahead of him."

Was that your quote, Friday? If so, thanks so much. I'm really good at driving cars very fast and crashing them into other things. Why can't I get a driver's license, though? (And why didn't I notice the Coors Light sticker on my helmet before I put it on? I would never willingly shill for Coors light. O the embarrassment.)

Brad is a natural leader and entrepreneur.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Pudding Flower

It has come to my attention that some of you were displeased with your personality test results. My goody-goody Landlady insisted I make things right, or she would throw me into the soup. (Generally, I like being thrown into the soup, but not when it's beef-barley. Ugh.) So, here goes.

For Yorkshire Pudding, I give the Yorkshire Pudding flower:

That's all I have for now. More later. Follow that pudding flower link, though, and you'll see some more interesting items, including the North Yorkshire Elvis Bus Tour.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Test Results

The results of the personality test are in:

Ulric is G.R.U.F.
Gluttonous Ruthless Understated Felon

Friday is C.U.T.I.
Creative Understated Tenacious Introspective

Nonny is E.D.G.I.
Energetic Diabolical Giggly Introspective

Yorkshire Pudding is L.U.M.P.
Letcherous Understated Mercenary Psychotic

Lady K is P.R.G-I.
Professional Rigorous Gastronomically-Inclined

Monkey is B.U.R.P.
Bananas Under Ripe Peels

Okay, I admit it: I made up that last one.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Personality Test

Okay, Nonny, here is my excuse for not having posted for a whole week:

My Aunt Alcidis paid me an unexpected visit from Moonstone, Nebraska. Aunt Alcidis is rather flighty and full of fanciful notions. She's always preparing raw foods, testing people's auras, reading their astrological charts, and making them take personality tests. Well, I say that we should all forget the Jung Typology (i.e. Myers-Briggs) Test, I say, and all its flaky ilk like the Enneagram and the Eat Right For Your Type methods. I've developed a personality test far superior to anything else in terms of the scientific approach, the socio-economic implications, not to mention a deep understanding of demographics of ambiguous produce. Presenting


Simply number your answer sheet from 1-40, answer either "YES" or "NO" to each question, and email me your answers. I will analyze your answers and post your personality type right here on this blog.

1. As a rule, current preoccupations with potato chips worry
you more than your future plans for dark leafy greens.

2. You find it difficult to talk about your feelings unless you’re yelling.

3. You feel at ease in a crowd looking up at you climbing a building.

4. You do your best to complete a task with finger-paints instead of magic markers.

5. You are curiously touched by the stories about people's troubles with hydrogenated fats.

6. You are more interested in a general pudding than in the details of its preparation.

7. Strict observance of the established rules is likely to be no fun at all.

8. Often you prefer to read a book than go to a food-fight.

9. You tend to rely on your experience rather than on theoretical alternatives to hair removal.

10. It's difficult to get you excited about bananas foster.

11. You rapidly get involved in social activities at a new workplace before you get fired.

12. It is in your nature to assume responsibility for all wicked behavior.

13. You frequently and easily express your feelings and emotions by yelling.

14. You often think about humankind and its inevitable destiny.

15. You believe the best bananas are the ones that can be easily changed into dessert.

16. You are a person somewhat reserved and distant in communication with extraterrestrials.

17. You prefer to act on impulse rather than speculate about various toilet paper options.

18. You trust gourmet chefs rather than politicians.

19. You spend your leisure time actively socializing
with a group of people, attending parties, hot-wiring cars, emailing your blog buddies.

20. You usually plan your sleeping-in mornings in advance.

21. Your actions are frequently influenced by emotions how hungry you are.

22. You often contemplate the complexity of life outside of the jungle.

23. You often do jobs that involve curry.

24. You find it difficult to speak loudly.

25. You get bored if you have to read driver’s manuals.

26. You value fake accents higher than fluency in a foreign language.

27. The more people at whom you yell, the better you feel.

28. You like to keep a check on how the dinner is progressing .

29. You easily scoff at the concerns of other people.

30. You are more inclined to experiment with chemicals than to follow familiar approaches to cleaning the bathroom.

31. You are usually the first to react to a sudden event: the telephone ringing, an unexpected question, a pineapple crashing through the window.

32. The process of searching for dessert is more important to you than dessert itself.

33. You usually place yourself nearer to the side than in the center of the hockey rink.

34. When solving a problem you would rather follow a familiar approach than seek a new one that might produce fewer blue jellybeans.

35. You try to stand firmly by your principles, but if you can’t, you at least get a free meal out of the deal.

36. It is easy for you to communicate in social situations while wearing cooking mits.

37. You are consistent in your grooming habits.

38. You willingly involve yourself in matters which engage your dinner plans.

39. You easily perceive various ways in which events could develop badly.

40. A thirst for adventure is close to your stomach.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

In the meantime

I've got nothing. Until I've got something again, you may entertain yourselves with the following fun activities:

* Teach yourself Latin

*Learn about monotremes

*Chat with ALICE

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Grudge Match Wednesday

Who would win in a Grudge Match?

Brad the Gorilla


Yorkshire Pudding

Ready... set... GO!