Monday, September 25, 2006

My Cousin Philomena

Exciting news! My cousin Philomena is going join the Pacific Northwest Ballet in its 2006 production of Nutcracker. She will play the Sugar Plum Fairy. I attended one of her performances last year when she was Aurora in The Sleeping Beauty. Here is a photo of me visiting Philomena backstage in the Green Room:

Yes, Philomena is bigger than I am. At 450 lbs, I am one of the smallest gorillas in my family. Perhaps that is why I am so surly.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

High School Poetry II

I've got nothing new for you. Here is another composition of high school Latin poetry:

My Latin poem:

A pedibus usque ad caput
A mari usque ad mare
A mensa et thoro:
Ad vitam Paramus.

Ab ovo usque ad mala
Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora
Quod natura non sunt turpia;
Lusus naturae,
Lupus est homo homini.
Gorillae gorillae, gorillae gorilliae tractant.


From feet to head
From sea to sea
From board and bed:
We are preparing for life.

From the egg to the apples
Eggs today are better than chickens tomorrow.
What is natural cannot be bad;
A freak of nature,
Man is wolf to man.
Gorillas are gorillas, therefore gorillas do gorillish things.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Rude Gorilla

For some reason, Ulric advised me to execute Google internet searches on "rude gorilla" and "rude orangutan," and compare the results. There were 99 hits for "rude gorilla" and only 2 for "rude orangutan." I'm still struggling to discern what the implacations could possibly be, but in the meantime, I thought you might be interested in viewing some of the results:

1) Rude Gorilla Gram: The perfect announcement for that "ape-man" in your life.

2)Hello, the rude gorilla suavely activated opposite to one moral pill bug.

3)The [online dates] that didn't come to much (except for the rude gorilla), were pretty much because they lived too far away for it to really be realistic to commit to anything regularly.

4)Rude gorilla presses Adams and slams him in return!

5)The Rude Gorilla Theater Company presents this comedy about Dorothy Day , the radical founder of the Catholic Worker movement...

6)Support is from Czech band Rude Gorilla.

7)Dear me, the amused manatee rebelliously cursed across that rude gorilla. Oh my, an aardvark is more unexplainable than the terrible vulture.

The world wide web is a strange, strange place.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Gorillas in the News: Sparse Pickings

80GB iPod Gorilla

I'm confused. Apple promises an iPod Gorilla, but nowhere in the article is it actually named or described. Until I get some clarity, I'm sticking with my iPod Banana.

Famous Gorillas
Why am I still not pictured on this site? I have deluged the site with dozens of photos of me in various costumes and personas, but still... nothing.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Ice-Cream Soothes the Savage Beast

I'm feeling a little bit better, now that I've got some food in me. My Landlord and Landlady took me out to dinner tonight in what I thought would be a vain attempt to soothe my ragged nerves. Not only did they provide all the stuffed-grape leaves and fried plantains I could eat, but they presented this to me for dessert:

I actually had 20 of these Golden Gate Banana Splits. Who says that medicating with ice-cream doesn't work? It works, my friends. It works. I'm not worried about gaining weight, of course. You can practically see my ribs through my fur.

Rude Words

It occurs to me that I've not been rude enough in my posts. You may know me as the gruffest, surliest gorilla around, but frankly, I think I've gotten a bit soft around the edges. So, to make up for it all, I'm going to be quite snarly today.

First, here is my list of rude words and phrases:



Sit on a banana!

Go change a diaper!

Faciem durum cacantis habes! (Translation: You have the face of a man with severe constipation.)

Second, here is a list of angry thoughts:

1) People are stupid. They shit where they eat, dump garbage on the ground, and then complain about the "riff-raff" spoiling their cities.
2) People are stupid. They pollute the very seas where they want to sail their fancy boats.
3) People are stupid. They say, "Children are our future" and then sabotage the educational system with "Every Child Left Behind" policies and pat themselves on the backs for making sure children don't have adequate health coverage.
4) People are stupid. They'd rather have cheap hamburgers today than rainforests tomorrow.

Third, here is my new outlook on life:

I'm MAD! Raving, stark raving mad. Nothing, absolutely nothing will assuage my wrath. Well, almost absolutely nothing. I wouldn't want you to give up that easily. Try the usual things first (bananas, chocolate, whisky), and if those things don't work, get a little creative. I don't promise to calm down, but I will entertain a few attempts to appease my foul, wretched temper.


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Gorillas in the News

Baby Gorilla On The Way At Little Rock Zoo
Hurrah! I hope they name the baby Bradley or Bradetta. Please, though, no Bradgelina!

Orphaned Mountain Gorilla Alive and Healthy
Hurrah for the gorilla, but a big hiss-boo to the poachers. I despise poachers. They're On Notice.

Gorilla who mauled toddler back on display
While gorillas are not cuddly, this really was a shocking, simply shocking bit of news. No one in my family mauls toddlers (though we've been known from time to time to drink grown Yorkshiremen under the table, which is almost as shocking). Little Joe, you are On Notice.

Curious George Becomes Marketing Gorilla
Hah! I'm putting United Press International On Notice, too, for confusing monkeys and apes.

Recycle Your Cell Phone and Save Gorilla Habitat
C'mon. It takes so little to do so much. Resist the temptation to fling your cell-phone into the trash during one of your raging tantrums, and recycle your cell-phone instead. Feel free to recycle your tantrums, too. You can go a long way with, "Give me my way RIGHT NOW or I'll lick all of the cookies and put my germs on them."

Like me, Stephen Colbert "gets it."