Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Brads of History

Brad's List of Brads

The Non-Pareil, the Cream of the Crop, the Tippity-Top:
Brad the Gorilla

The Pretty Good:
Brad (Seattle band)
Milton Bradley (board game pioneer)
BRAD (British Rates and Data)
Ray Bradbury(science-fiction writer)
Brad Yoder (musician from my Landlady's alma mater)
Brad Smith (Microsoft Senior Vice President, General Counsel, Corporate Secretary, Legal & Corporate Affairs

The Inconsequential:
Pittboy (actor)
Renfro (actor)

It's a fairly short list.

Friday, May 26, 2006

High School Poetry

Because I lack inspiration as of late, I have decided to post a poem I wrote in high school. It is in Latin, but I have provided a translation for you. My poem won 5th place in the Annual International Latin Poetry Contest. I dedicate this poem to everyone who has ever cried out, "Succurro!" to the heavens but was answered by an extra-terrestrial instead of someone who could actually have been of help.


Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt.
Ipso facto, sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes,
fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Nunc, vero inter saxum et locum durum sum.
Id quot circumiret, circumveniat.


I was kidnapped by aliens.
By that very fact, I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Ever noticed how wherever you stand,
the smoke goes right into your face?
Now, I really am between a rock and a hard place.
What goes around, comes around.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Blue Birthday Cake

Birthday cake

I inspect the cake to make sure it tastes okay.

Last week, Lucia asked for a blue birthday cake. This was entirely her idea. I'm sure my love of blue frosting had nothing to do with her request. What could I do but bake her a birthday cake with coconut-flavored blue frosting?

I didn't get thanks, but I didn't expect any. Lucia was too busy consuming her birthday treats to mess about with idle chatter.

By the way, the resemblance of the blue frosting to blue play-dough is entirely coincidental.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hitman J's Word Verifier: The Gathering

Since Hitman J is busy with getting his life together in Philadelphia, his new home, I have decided to take over Word Verifier: the Gathering, until his long-awaited return.

Today's theme is a little dialogue you get to finish:

"I love this new city!" Hitman J gushed. "Philadelphia, also known as the City of Phil the Oracle! I wonder what the day will hold in store for me."

"Watch out!" yelled Brad the Gorilla. "There's a UFO in the sky coming directly at us!"

"That's not a UFO," Hitman J said, "That's a ____________________."

First time visitors: The rules are simple. Go into the comments section, read your verification word and be creative. Each week I'll give just a bit of direction for the topic.


Saturday, May 06, 2006


Rawbean said that as a character, I reminded her of Stewie, the baby on "Family Guy." She said that we are both “highly intelligent but also misunderstood and in need of a helicopter.” I know neither of Stewy nor of "Family Guy," but I thought perhaps it was time to be introspective and intellectual about the people who have influenced me.

Hem hem. (At this point, I rustle some papers and tug at my spectacles before I commence with the list.)

1) Cookie Monster: Is this not obvious? We have similar voracious appetites and have scads of wits to overcome those cruel, despicable beings who would keep us from the land of Milk and Honey Cookies.

2) Nigel Molesworth: the Curse of St. Custards, the Goriller of 3B.The vile schoolmasters and wet, weedy goody-goodies of St. Custard’s are no match for Nigel’s brutal intelligence and impeccable logic.

3) Ulric: It’s hard to say who’s been more of an influence on whom. When Ulric was a little boy, we often told potty jokes and said rude words. Now that I’m older, I still say rude words, but it’s Ulric who thinks the potty jokes are funny. Many people think that Ulric writes this blog, but it’s simply not true. If Ulric wrote this blog, here is what an entry might look like:

“I got up very late this morning and went to the coffee-shop, where I broke wind so violently that everyone scattered, and I was able to drink all of the coffee. Poor Bill Gates didn’t get his double-soy latte with carob sprinkles. Then, I decided that the coffee-beans were simply too good to grind up, so I jumped into the bag of Sumatra coffee-beans and wriggled my bare, stinky, sweaty toes. Then I pooped and thought about all of the words that rhymed with ‘duck.’”

Don’t try to deny it, Ulric! You are guilty as charged, guilty, guilty, guilty. Be that as it may, you did help me to get my cooking business underway, and I did help you with your Latin homework, even though you only took Latin so that you could hear the teacher talk about Crassus (see above photo) and "liquid vowels."

4) Curious George: Something you may not know is that Curious George is not a monkey. He is a chimpanzee. If he were a monkey, he’d have a tail. However, he doesn't walk on his knuckles, so who knows what he really is. The key difference between us (besides our species) is that Curious George doesn’t mean to get into trouble, whereas I am fully aware of my wretched ways. Also, no one would ever leave me alone in the house with an exhortation to "stay out of mischief and try not to be so curious." When it comes to brains, Ulric is head and shoulders above the Man With the Yellow Hat.

5) Cute Little Box: I still get upset when I think of CLB’s untimely demise. CLB was my first fan who hadn’t already met me in person, and the one who introduced me to ¾ of the people on my blogroll. He was a drinkin’, smokin’ womanizer who lived large despite his diminutive moniker. On the left side of my blog, right below the links to past posts, I have a memorial to CLB.

Monday, May 8, 2006 Update: CLB is alive and well! I just got this note in the comments section:

Cute Little Box said...
Oh Brad, those were indeed heady times. I remember when I first stumbled upon your site. I thought to myself "Finally a fellow blogger with the same wants and aspirations." Though gone from the blogosphere, I am still partying hard and fast. Your influence and bon mots of wisdom have gotten me out of many a sticky situation. Rock on dude!

I’m sure there are more people out there who have had some impact on my personality, but those are the main five. I could have mentioned King Kong, but really, he’s too much of a tragic figure, unless you go with the belief that he really didn’t die at the base of the Empire State Building, but rallied and went on to battle Godzilla (and win! O yes, and win.)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Random Bits

Things have been quiet since Hitman J moved to Pennsylvania. It's hard to be inspired when there's no weekly Word Verifier: the Gathering to spur me on. Lo, but I will try to rally.

1) In June, the House of Glee is going to New York City. They're not taking me. They want to take me along and photograph me standing on the Empire State Building, but Ulric said I couldn't go. Confound and blast that Ulric! I have never been to New York. Never. A further indignity... remember the cross-country car trip Ulric took from the East Coast to Seattle? Remember how I said I went along for the trip? The truth is, I didn't go. Ulric said I couldn't go. It's fine for me to help him skydive, but not to have actual fun on a road-trip. Humbug. Ulric's mother had to send me in the luggage compartment of an airplane because I was too big to sit in coach, and first class was too expensive. (This is why I NEED a helicopter. Keep buying those tee-shirts! At this point, I've almost got enough for the propeller.)

2) Finally, I've seen some real gorillas (albeit scary, skeletal gorillas) in the band Gorillaz, via the Clint Eastwood video. Like the other Gorillaz songs I've grown to appreciate, this one got under my skin in a strange way. For the longest time (5 minutes), I couldn't decide whether I was irritated or pleased. I finally went with the latter option. I've got these lyrics stuck in my head:

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless,but not for long
The future is coming on

3) The Landlord's daughter is turning 3 years old next Wednesday, and I still haven't figured out what I'm giving her for a present. She's started turning up her nose at bananas. I wanted to take her sky-diving, but my Landlord and Landlady said NO.

What a drag.

4) Anansi Boys is one of the most entertaining books I've read in a long time. I haven't enjoyed a book that much since The Adrian Mole Diaries and Chicken Pies for the Soul (both classics in their own right, especially if you define "classic" in the broadest sense possible).

5) Mr Pudding owes me 3 bottles of Henderson's Relish and a packet of Hob Nobs. I beat him in croquet, but he refuses to own up. Not only did Mr Pudding play croquet, he liked it. He wasn't even tipsy!

6) In her latest blog post, Nonny points out that the reason Generation X has a sense of entitlement is because they weren't expected to learn how to use a real yo-yo. I think she's onto something. In my high school, you couldn't graduate unless you could perform the Dr. Strange or translate the Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Manifesto from Latin to English. High school was rough!