Thursday, August 31, 2006

The New Brad Tee-Shirt

Here you go, Nonny, your new tee-shirt with my furry silhouette:

The back of the tee-shirt proudly proclaims the name and address of everyone's favorite gorilla blog:

I am expecting Mr Pudding to buy a shirt for everyone at his local pub. He did recently win a chunk of change at the pub, and it is only fitting that he and all his buddies get to wear stunning garb.

Here is a mug for Lady K:

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Brad-gear buttons

New in the Shop:

Nonny, I'm in the process of designing a tee-shirt just for you (and everyone else who's willing to buy it). Remember: proceeds from sales go toward the purchase of my helicopter for Bradley Enterprises.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Gorilla Librarian

Nonny said I should really try to break into films. I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried. After George Lucas kicked me off the set of Star Wars when I accidentally let his rhubarb pie burn, I was gorilla non grata in Hollywood.

I went overseas for work (I had a European Union work permit, thanks to my Welsh grandmother), and auditioned for a skit in Monty Python’s Flying Circus. I was going to be a gorilla librarian! At the last minute, there were some snags* in the filming of the scene, and one of the regular actors decided to dress up in a gorilla suit. I hate it when that happens. Humans dressing up in gorilla suits is disturbing. Humans are not knuckle-walkers, and don’t cut the same fine figure as the mighty gorilla gorilla gorilla (i.e. Western Lowland Gorilla, not to be confused with gorilla gorilla diehli, the Cross River Gorilla).

The problem with getting a film career is that the industry refuses to let gorillas into the Actor’s Equity Association. Some people might say that it’s my fault** but I suspect that the industry is biased in favor of humans.

I might do better in the gaming industry. There’s a slight but solid demand for gorillas in multi-player sorceries, including that of the Gorilla Librarian. Aha! Expect a come-back in the works.

*Graham Chapman got royally peeved with me for eating all of his banana crunchies, and Eric Idle had the audacity to insinuate that I wasn’t very funny. I also believed John Cleese would be amused, not furious, when he sat down on a mince pie in his dressing room.

**Everyone in the AEA says it’s my fault.

Monday, August 28, 2006

"Brad is" Your Gorilla of Choice

In the spirit of my first blog post, I have decided to revisit the "Brad is" meme. This time, I have appended annotations.

Brad Is....

1) Brad is a chameleon.

No I’m not. I’m a gorilla. What gives?

2) Angelina can’t wipe the smile from her face and Brad is being so protective.

The only Angelina I know is a Young Adult librarian. (Click on the link and scroll down to the third entry of the featured speakers.) She’s probably smiling because of my impassioned speeches about the importance of the microfilm machine in archiving pre-nineteenth century graphic-novels.

3) Brad is quite the procrastinator.

Ho ho. I’m thinking about starting a club for procrastinators.

4) Brad is taking the kids to a daycare.

Not yet. My Landlady has hidden the keys to the car and installed an “anti-hot-wire” device. I’ll foil her no-fun machinations yet, when I get around to it.

5) Brad is tired of thinking about himself.


6) Brad is much smarter than Weitzman and he did see this sixteen years ago.

This is true. Weitzman has nothing on me, and I have plenty on Weitzman.

7) Brad is a really nice guy, but he's not too happy about this area.

False. I am not a really nice guy, and I am happy about this area.

8) Brad is well-known to regulars in the skinning and customization community.

The “skinning” part gives me the shivers. Fortunately, it refers to the “skins” of web designs and not Mr Pudding’s empty threats to turn me into a rug. I'll get you yet, Mr Pudding!

9) The Brad is back.

Sure. At least, until I go on tour again.

10) Brad is famous, well known, well liked.

True, all true! Though I don’t quite understand the “well liked” part. As you know, I am a veritable arsenal of insults and rude words.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bananas, bananas

I went outside this evening to clear my head of yesterday's revelries, and found a huge pile of bananas. You all really did take B.Y.O.B. to heart. Now, though, I have a lot of bananas, and not enough freezer space. Currently, the pile of bananas is sitting in Downtown Seattle, but the mayor says I have to move them by tomorrow morning, or the commuters are going to foam at the mouth with road rage. Yes, it is that bad out here.

Believe it or not, I can only eat so many bananas at once. I guess I'd better get busy. I wish I hadn't run out of rum.

Day After the Party

What a wild and crazy party! There was excessive hedonism, merriment and conspicuous consumption like you've never seen. It started off mildly enough.

I got out the raw ingredients for the pizza:

I prepped the pizza with pesto and artichoke hearts:

Then I baked it in the oven and served it to my guests:

The pizza wasn't enough to fill the stomachs of the hordes of people in the room, but we made do with follow-up pies. Speaking of pie, the Landlady surprised me with a key-lime pie instead of birthday cake:

I cut the pie for other people, and ate the rest myself. I also had some wine.

Oops. I had too much wine:

It's around 9:30 pm PST right now. I woke up a half an hour ago. I'm thirsty! And hungry. Due to my wine overconsumption, I don't remember too much of the party, so you'll have to fill me in on the blanks. All I know is that we had a rip-roaring time. I also have a faint memory of Nonny, Lady K and SeƱor Magnifico dancing the flamenco on the table-tops, but perhaps I'm remembering an old movie? Friday also brought a pound cake flavored with some lovely herbs, and Mr Pudding did some amusing tricks with hand-shadows, a pogo-stick, and two kumquats. Philip the Pun regaled us with stories of his travels through the seedy underground music scene of Seattle.

Ulric missed my birthday party though, the scurvy-head. He said he had to "work" but I suspect treachery. Who knows, though, perhaps he's planning a super-surprise for my birthday. I'll pretend I don't know anything about it.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Sign the Birthday Guestbook Here

My favorite self-portrait...

I realize that for some of you traveling from afar, bringing your own bananas might be a bit dicey:

At Dulles International Airport near Washington on Thursday morning, one traveler reported that screeners were also making passengers remove all food items from their carry-on luggage for inspection, and one passenger was told to peel her banana.

Seattle locals are requested to bring a few extra bananas for the overseas and cross-country guests. I wouldn't wish airport security hassles on anyone, even Mr Pudding. And that's saying something.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Reminder: Brad's Birthday Party tomorrow

I can't believe it! I've been planning my birthday party for almost a year, and my Landlady claims that she knew nothing of it. "I thought you were just having a party on your blog," she said.

"No," I replied. "I'm having one at your house, too."

I suppose I have to do everything now, including the invitations. Anyway, I'm having a party at the House of Glee tomorrow (August 14) at 6 pm PST. If it were up to me, you could just show up any time, but my Landlady and Landlord have this thing about the Landlord's daughter going to bed at a proper hour. Hah! Please respond either to me or to my Landlady if you plan to come, so that we have enough pizza and cake for everyone.

Here are some ideas for birthday presents for me:

Spiffy helicopter

Spiffy car

Spiffy spaceship

Spiffy guitar. Hey, this CF-1 Sunburst Martin guitar is the least expensive item on the list. What do you say? If I had this guitar, I'd be a very happy gorilla. I might even stop throwing pureed bananas at babies.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Birthday Party on August 14th

As those of you who have read the Brad FAQ know, Sunday Monday, August 14th is my birthday. I shall be 40-something plus 1. You are all invited to my birthday party. It will be on this blog, of course. Presents are always welcome, of course (see the FAQ for ideas), but I hope to read lots of flattering, spontaneous comments in the Fan Letters section. By then, Deadbeat Crawdads will be taking a brief break from touring, so I will be on hand to answer the pressing questions of the day. Due to the large crowds expected, this is a BYOB (bring your own bananas) event.