Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Au Revoir

This is probably the last post for the Brad the Gorilla blog. For awhile now, I've tried to find new angles for my regular schitck. I've gone to art school, formed a band, was hired and fired as a chef for a disreputable inn, won fourth place in the Elvis Invitationals, impersonated Hitman J, spouted off Latin aphorisms, and tormented Yorkshire Pudding. I made friends with Lady K and Friday's Web through an earlier incarnation of Nonny. As fellow blogging simians, it was only a matter of moments before Monkey and I met. Of course, without my Landlady, Landlord and Ulric, I would have been nothing but...

Who am I kidding? I'm BRAD THE GORILLA. Blog or no blog, I will always be a 450 lb gorilla with a temper. I can't believe I got all introspective for a moment. Bah!

If you leave comments, I will still receive and read them. I will continue to read your blogs and comment when I can. In the meantime, I'm taking the time to travel throughout the world. Keep an eye out for me-- I may show up in your hometowns. If I do, I fully expect multicourse dinners complete with cigars and chocolate-covered bananas.

Au revoir.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


The intern of Totally Choice reviewed me today. I don't know how this intern found my Vlad the Gorilla, my second cousin, but suffice to say, the reason why my second cousin is so incomprehensible is because he ate a large quantity of hallucinogenic starfruit during his overseas tour of duty, and has had to work it out of his system ever since. The intern posted a drawing of Vlad:

I hate to admit it, but Vlad's ikeness is uncanny. The intern gets a point for acceptable sketching. However, the intern writes, "Google, Time Magazine, and Brad would get a Totally Bogus for this blatant act of tyranny, if it weren’t for the fact that Brad got me to Google the word encomium. For that, Brad the Gorilla officially receives a 2 on the scale of Choiceness." My response: you had to look up encomium? What about all of the other Latin words on my blog? You didn't look those up as well? For your appalling lack of scholarship, the Totally Choice blog post recieves a "1" on the Brad-O-Meter. However, since I just made up the Brad-O-Meter, I should give credit where credit is due. Totally Choice recieves 1.5 on the Brad-O-Meter.

Now, to find a Brad-O-Meter....

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Person of the Year

I couldn't have done it without you, my fans.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

How Brad got permanently banned from Antarctica

Here are the details that I gathered from Brad, among his whimperings and requests to be consoled with whiskey:

While Brad was helping Shad record observations about penguins and other wildlife in the great tundra of the south, Brad started to brainstorm new ideas. Apparently, he hadn't learned his lesson from past misadventures. Brad noticed that the penguins, algae, and other wildlife were standing idle much of the time, doing nothing productive. Brad began to develop a notion that he could do something to improve their condition of living. He began to see a link between their idleness and the need for Bradley Enterprises to expand. What if Bradley Enterprises got involved in the Christmas present delivering business? No one was competing with Santa Claus at the moment. This would be an optimal time for a new company to enter the industry.

While Shad and the other scientists were asleep, Brad spent the next several days rounding up penguins and other able-bodied wildlife, and put them to work constructing a factory in the snow. Shad became irritated the Brad was dozing off during the daytime instead of working, but he did not suspect anything out of the ordinary.

Somehow, Brad managed to acquire enough presents to give to children in various parts of the world. But he still needed a vehicle to transport the presents. How about a helicopter? That would be the right vehicle to deliver presents in, and it would be much more fun that a sleigh. He borrowed a helicopter from a nice patrolman, while the patrolman was asleep. He was going to tell the patrolman when he got around to it. Brad got the helicopter part way into the air before he realized that he did not know how to drive a helicopter. While he was studying the operator's manual, the helicopter crashed. He figured that it must have been something wrong with the helicopter, so the patrolman wouldn't miss it anyway. Brad went with this notion as he tried and crashed and exploded several more helicopters. He knew that the patrolmen would be thrilled and impressed that he was left uninjured.

Finally, he found a helicopter that actually worked the way it was supposed to and didn't crash. He swooped down and grabbed the bag of presents, with the help of the penguins. He lost a landing rail in the process, but that wasn't a big deal.

As part of his business strategy, Brad delivered Christmas presents on December 1st. "People will be impressed that I'm more timely than Santa Claus", he thought.
He went to the first house. He looked into the chimney and realized that he didn't want to get his fur dirty. So he swung down with an arm full of presents and kicked down the wall to the living room. "They won't mind when they see the wonderful presents that I've delivered them". He set the presents down by the Christmas tree, and left the invoice for the fairly-priced items that he delivered.

He went from house to house across the nations. Some people were awake and gave loud, vehement shouts of joy as he surprised them with his grand entry and the low prices at which they were receiving their presents. He was a bit disappointed that no one offered him hot chocolate or cookies. Cheapskates.

After a hard day's work, he returned to Antarctica, surprised to find a group of angry scientists and government officials awaiting him...


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Gone Bust

Here is the reason I haven't posted in awhile: I got kicked out of Antarctica. All the governments of the world that have stakes in Antarctica have signed a persona non grata bill to keep me from ever again setting foot on the ice-continent. Shad did what he could to grant me amnesty, but the best he could do was get me provisional status for visiting New Zealand. If it weren't for Peter Jackson, I wouldn't even have that privilege.

The events leading up to my expulsion are humiliating. I've spent the last week sleeping on my Landlord's couch, refusing to get up except to eat the chocolate zucchini bread that Lady K. so kindly brought me and the homemade whiskey Friday overnighted to me. Nonny said she tried to order my favorite cigars for me, but they got tied up in customs. Pudding? Where are you in my time of woe? I know we are mortal enemies, but even Saracen sent oranges to Richard the Lion Heart when he heard that the king of England was a trifle sniffly.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

First Aid

Here I am in Antarctica. Ho Ho! The broadband is faster here than in Seattle! Shad is benefiting greatly from my assistance, but I've already gotten in trouble with the boss. It turns out that my first aid certification is not up to date. They made me take elementary first aid with the new recruits at the base. I showed them, though. The instructor said my tourniquet was the best he'd ever seen. "But Brad, this is a choking victim!" It just goes to show you, some people are never satisfied. Tomorrow I'll tell you about how I made baked eel for the commander. They didn't have any eel in the commissary, so I had to improvise.