GQ: Gorilla Quarterly

As promised, here I am on the cover of Gorilla Quarterly! Over the next couple of days, I'll try to take some time to scan the featured article.

Train-Themed Festival

The Deadbeat Crawdads are going to be playing at a train-themed festival these next too weekends. We're going to open for Nancy Stewart. (I'm not sure yet whether or not Nancy knows this.) There was some concern that our music would not be child-friendly, but I say, what's un-child-friendly about throwing banana-cream-pies into the audience?

Our song line-up includes the following train-themed songs:

1) Midnight Special
2) Folsom Prison Blues
3) Train Kept a' Rollin'
4) Rock Island Line
5) All Aboard the Potty Train

There's at least one child-friendly song in that line-up. I just know it.

Probably not a knuckle-walker...

Today's headline:

Not drunk? Maybe, but did you see the gorilla?

People who imbibed only enough to reach half the legal limit for intoxication still were more than twice as likely as non-drinkers to miss spotting a person dressed up as a gorilla in a visual test.

This is just a quick post in-between sound-checks. Deadbeat Crawdads is playing at the Washington Banana Museum today. Hope you can make it!

Deadbeat Crawdads: Alive Again

Great news! I really do have a new gig. Remember Deadbeat Crawdads, my old band? They've recently gotten back together with some new folks, and they asked me to front the band. "It just won't be the same without you," they said. We're going on tour this weekend, and hope to be playing sold-out bars and nightclubs before we know it. This tour will give me the much-desired hiatus I needed from blogging on a regular basis. I'll be back before you know it, but in the meantime, please feel free to write to me via the comments section or my gmail account: brad [dot] the [dot] gorilla [at sign] gmail [dot] com.
I can't promise to answer all of my fan mail as quickly as I have before, but you will receive responses from me in a timely fashion.

Coming soon to a city near you...

Your friend,
Brad

New Gig?

I need a new gig. Sure, I'm fluent Latin (joke Latin, at least), I'm a gourmet chef, I do a mean impersonation of Elvis, and I've been known to write an advice column or two. Everyone by now knows how gruff I am (definitely not cute), yet so furry that hairs are always getting into my culinary preparations. You've read about my extensive family, my travels all over the world, and my ongoing "who's got a bigger roar" competition with Yorkshire Pudding. You know that Nonny, Lady K and Friday keep trying to hug me and ruffle my fur, and you know that, as usual, I will have none of it. Last, but not least, you know that I used to be Hitman J's bouncer/body-guard before he up and left for Philly. Those were good times.

But now what? August 9, 2006 will be the one year anniversary of Brad the Gorilla, and I don't think I have enough material to make for interesting reading. I'm not planning to close down the blog, but I'm definitely thinking about taking a few months off. If I do, will you be around when I return?

In the meantime, here are some photos from my East Coast trip:




Good-looking cupcakes often are not the tastiest cupcakes. These cupcakes were no exception.



This is a proper breakfast: New York bagel with cream-cheese, and coffee in a Greek-motif take-out cup proclaiming "We are happy to serve you." I bought ceramic versions of these coffee-cups.


I was hiding in the car when The House of Glee went to Brooklyn for breakfast at the Yemen cafe. I saw a sign for "Blue Spoon Coffee" and tried to signal the Landlord's daughter to get her grandfather to stop the car, but no luck.


On the way into Brooklyn via Staten Island, I saw one of those inflatable blue gorillas advertising tires. By the time I snapped a picture, all I could see was the very top of the blue head. If you can't see it, keep enlarging the photo until a blue blob catches your eye. You may be at the computer for awhile.

Of course there was also that UFO in Montana I saw...

Regarding the UFO in Montana...

Hello, faithful readers, I have returned from my vacation.

As some of you may remember, I was a stowaway on the House of Glee’s trip to New York City. I was quite clever with all of my hideaways and disguises. Only Lucia, the Landlord’s daughter, discerned my secret, and fortunately, her repeated utterances of “Gorilla! Gorilla!” were interpreted at 3-year-old babble by her unsuspecting parents. After I attempted to climb the Empire State Building, I was caught, put in jail, and then released, thanks to a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. When the House of Glee went to Yonkers, I was put in solitary confinement in the toy room. There I stayed until it was time to return to Seattle via train.

Now, the House of Glee fully intended to check me with their luggage. I was indignant and I threw a tantrum in the railway station. One grouchy old coot glared at me and got up in a huff to read his book elsewhere. Other people tried to stand their ground. “If we just ignore him, he’ll go away,” I heard one businessman say to another.

No such luck.

Fortunately, the train staff was on MY side.“You simply cannot check a gorilla in baggage,” they told my Landlord and Landlady. “In fact, you must get the gorilla his own first class sleeper-car so that he will stay out of everyone’s way.” My Landlord protested, my Landlady fumed, but in the end, it they had a choice between paying for a sleeper car for me or getting kicked off the train for causing a ruckus.

Let me tell you: the sleeper car is the proper way to travel on a train. All meals are included, and you get extra amenities like complimentary champagne, freshly-baked cookies before bed and exclusive wine and cheese-tastings in the diner car. There were four different wines to taste, and I drank a bottle of each.

Early next morning, I saw a spaceship above a train-station in Montana. Everyone claims I had too much wine to drink the day before, and was hallucinating from a hangover, but I got a photo of the event. Behold!



If that's not proof of alien life, then what is? Take that, you Doubting Thomases!

Solitary Confinement

I have been thrust into solitary confinement for the remainder of the New York trip. What an "UNSPEAKABLE OUTRAGE," as Owen Meany would say. When we arrived in Yonkers, the proprietress said that I could stay in the toy-room and sleep in the doll crib. A doll crib!

"This is impossible," I said.

"I am a 452 lb gorilla," I said.

"There is no way I would fit in this room. It would be better to fit me in the living room near the television," I said.

There was some muttering about how dangerous it was to put me in the same room as a television, and then I found myself sitting in the toyroom, facing a Victorian dollhouse. Well, I did what any gorilla would do in a similar situation: I threw a fit! Then, I played with the dollies and pushed them in their little perambulators. At first, Lucia was allowed to visit me for several hours a day, but after she was found to have pulled all of the miniature pictures off of the dollhouse walls as well as plucked every flower from its plastic stem, the proprietress deemed me a Bad Influence. Then, she locked the door.

Tomorrow, the House of Glee sets forth for Seattle on a slow-moving train. They have threatened to check me with the baggage, but I know in the end, Lucia will come to my defense. She's already promised to sneak me some strawberry-rhubarb pie after everyone's gone to bed. Bravo, Lucia! You are a beacon of sanity in a world of craziness.

Busted

Gentle Gruff Readers,

I didn't make it up to the top of the Empire State Building. I had everything planned out: my climbing gear, my snacks, my parachute, everything! All I was going to do was a quiet little assent up what was once the tallest building in the world. Alas, I did not even get past the first window before the cops and firefighters came. I resisted their attempts to get me down, but it was no use. I had grappling hooks, but they had fire-hoses.

The police took me into custody, and they didn't even read me my rights, because as they said, "Miranda Rights are only for humans." Hah! So, I was down at the police station with all of my gear confiscated (my snacks, oh, my poor snacks, you are now mouldering in the bellies of the NYPD), and they were just about to book me when who should storm in but my Landlady with her lawyer friends in tow! She told me she was furious with me for having stowed away and kept hidden all this time, but I secretly think she was mad that she hadn't noticed my presence in New York prior to this ignominious debacle.

The Landlady's lawyer friends argued on my behalf, but no one was listening. Then, miracle of miracles, someone produced a Get Out of Jail Free card, and I was free!

Right now, I am sipping coffee and eating a pear-granola muffin, trying to get over the shaky experience of dealing with the NYPD. I cannot believe that I did not succeed in my lifelong dream of climbing the Empire State Building. But you know what? I shall not be deterred. Next time, I will be smarter. I will let Hitman J know of my plans, and he shall make some deals that people cannot refuse.

Now that the House of Glee knows I'm in town, I thought we should put our differences behind us and visit the Planetarium. For some reason, no one wants to buy my ticket.

Big Apple

I'm in New York City!

Finally, after all of the hiding and stowing, the hemming and hawing, the exorbitant tip I gave to the cabbie so as not to reveal my whereabouts to the House of Glee, I am finally here in the greatest city on Earth. My first stop was to get a proper cup of coffee and a real bagel (poppyseed with chives in the cream cheese). I need to get one of those "We Are Happy to Serve You" coffee cups in ceramic. Afterward, I walked around Union Square, darted into the Thompkins Square Library for quick internet access, and then headed over to Books of Wonder for some books about gorillas in New York. They had stunning-looking cupcakes in their coffee-shop department (photos to come later), but in terms of taste, they did not measure up to Cupcake Royale. You could have knocked me over with a ten-ton feather when I saw that the House of Glee had caught up with me! Fortunately, no one saw me hiding in the picture-book section. Well, of course Lucia did (she sees more with her one functioning eye than her parents do with two apiece). "Brad!" she squealed. "Yook, Brad a ga-wiwwa!"

"Yes, sweetie, I know you miss Brad," the Landlady said blandly, browsing at a young adult science-fiction novel, while the Landlord was ensconced in a book about map-making.

The House of Glee met up with the Landlady's godmother and the Landlady's godmother's daughter ("LG" and "LGD") at the bookshop. LG said, "Oh, I didn't know Brad the Gorilla had moved to New York and joined a bakery."

"He hasn't," my Landlady said. "He's sitting on top of our hutch back home."

"Oh," LG replied, and there was an uncomfortable silence while LG and LGD glanced at each other with knowing looks. The Landlord and Landlady didn't notice, however, as Lucia had gotten icing all over her hands and was in the process of reaching for her brand-new copy of Mr. Putter and Tabby Ride the Train.

Confound it all! These people are going to blow my cover if I'm not more careful.

Today is the day I climb the Empire State Building.

Sunday

Today is my last day in New Jersey! Thank heavens for that. There are some good things about New Jersey, but proper coffee is not one of them. I know it's quite fashionable to throw off on NJ, so here's what is good about New Jersey:

1) No sales tax on clothes (not that I reap any benefits, since I only wear my own fur for the most part)
2) There are a lot of Mid-Eastern restaurants.
3) Rent is slightly cheaper here than in New York.
4) There are a lot of kosher delis.
5) It's easy to hitch a ride to New York City (much easier than Seattle).

There. I have done my bit for the Garden State.

Comments on my blog have been sparce and few as of late. I'm starting to think that no one takes me seriously anymore. Readers, take heed: I am a very, very serious gorilla doing important work through Bradley Enterprises and other such ventures. Anyone who thinks otherwise is going to have to give me footrubs.

Brooklyn brunch

This morning, I secretly hitched a ride with the House of Glee and their relatives from New Jersey to Brooklyn. The House of Glee ate breakfast at the Yemen Cafe, and went to Sahadi's afterward. On the way into the city, I saw one of those scary large blue gorillas advertising tires, but the photo I snapped wasn't very good because of the angle where I was hiding. I don't think the family suspected my presence at all, but I did hear the Landlord say, "I must be imagining things, as I think I saw a gorilla in the kitchen."

"It's strange," my Landlady replied. "I thought I detected a bit of gorilla fur in my ful mesdames, but... surely no. Brad is sitting on the hutch, I'm sure of it."

Afterward, the Landlady's father stocked up on stuffed grape leaves and Alfonso olives at Sahadi's across the street. I think Lucia, the Landlord's daughter, may have seen me, because she started saying "Brad! Brad! Brad!" and pointing. However, Lucia has been giving everyone silly names as of late (e.g. she says, "My name is Uncle Kiss-Kiss"), so I think I'm in the clear.

Not that "Brad" is anything but a respectable, dignified name, of course.

Stowaway

Psssst. Don't tell anyone, but I have stowed away with Bede, Alkelda and Lucia of The House of Glee. They don't know it yet, and I plan not to reveal my whereabouts until we are properly in New York City. Right now, I'm just waiting it out in New Jersey while they visit relatives. I am hiding in the library at the moment.The Landlord and Landlady are konked out from jet lag. Updates are going to be a bit surreptitious for the next while, as I have limited internet access and NO CAMERA. (I shall attempt to sneak the Landlady's camera away a few times, though they may have to be in the middle of the night.) If I don't reply to your comments right away, please understand that I am constantly on the move and sometimes have to make sudden getaways.

Whatever you do, KEEP THIS A SECRET FROM ULRIC. He specifically forbade me to go on this trip because he was worried I'd get my fur wet. I'm going nowhere near the Hudson River! Also, Ulric claims that I never wanted to go to NYC. Not so! A gorilla has dreams, you know.

Now, where can I find a proper cup of coffee in this little town of New Brunswick?

Your friend,
Brad

Brads of History

Brad's List of Brads

The Non-Pareil, the Cream of the Crop, the Tippity-Top:
Brad the Gorilla

The Pretty Good:
Brad (Seattle band)
Milton Bradley (board game pioneer)
BRAD (British Rates and Data)
Ray Bradbury(science-fiction writer)
Brad Yoder (musician from my Landlady's alma mater)
Brad Smith (Microsoft Senior Vice President, General Counsel, Corporate Secretary, Legal & Corporate Affairs

The Inconsequential:
Pittboy (actor)
Renfro (actor)

It's a fairly short list.

Saturday Morning Television

Bert's Nephew Brad

Bert's Brother Bart

Ernie's Disguise Kit

Thirty-Fifth Anniversary of Sesame Street (with the original "Mah Nah Mah Nah" at the end)

High School Poetry

Because I lack inspiration as of late, I have decided to post a poem I wrote in high school. It is in Latin, but I have provided a translation for you. My poem won 5th place in the Annual International Latin Poetry Contest. I dedicate this poem to everyone who has ever cried out, "Succurro!" to the heavens but was answered by an extra-terrestrial instead of someone who could actually have been of help.


Circumveniat

Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt.
Ipso facto, sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes,
fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Nunc, vero inter saxum et locum durum sum.
Id quot circumiret, circumveniat.


Around

I was kidnapped by aliens.
By that very fact, I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Ever noticed how wherever you stand,
the smoke goes right into your face?
Now, I really am between a rock and a hard place.
What goes around, comes around.

Brad's UFO Revealed

*Backdated post*

Blue Birthday Cake

Birthday cake


I inspect the cake to make sure it tastes okay.

Last week, Lucia asked for a blue birthday cake. This was entirely her idea. I'm sure my love of blue frosting had nothing to do with her request. What could I do but bake her a birthday cake with coconut-flavored blue frosting?


I didn't get thanks, but I didn't expect any. Lucia was too busy consuming her birthday treats to mess about with idle chatter.

By the way, the resemblance of the blue frosting to blue play-dough is entirely coincidental.

Hitman J's Word Verifier: The Gathering

Since Hitman J is busy with getting his life together in Philadelphia, his new home, I have decided to take over Word Verifier: the Gathering, until his long-awaited return.

Today's theme is a little dialogue you get to finish:



"I love this new city!" Hitman J gushed. "Philadelphia, also known as the City of Phil the Oracle! I wonder what the day will hold in store for me."

"Watch out!" yelled Brad the Gorilla. "There's a UFO in the sky coming directly at us!"

"That's not a UFO," Hitman J said, "That's a ____________________."

First time visitors: The rules are simple. Go into the comments section, read your verification word and be creative. Each week I'll give just a bit of direction for the topic.

NO FAIR HITTING "REFRESH" Hit "REFRESH" all you like!

Brad-fluences

Rawbean said that as a character, I reminded her of Stewie, the baby on "Family Guy." She said that we are both “highly intelligent but also misunderstood and in need of a helicopter.” I know neither of Stewy nor of "Family Guy," but I thought perhaps it was time to be introspective and intellectual about the people who have influenced me.

Hem hem. (At this point, I rustle some papers and tug at my spectacles before I commence with the list.)

1) Cookie Monster: Is this not obvious? We have similar voracious appetites and have scads of wits to overcome those cruel, despicable beings who would keep us from the land of Milk and Honey Cookies.

2) Nigel Molesworth: the Curse of St. Custards, the Goriller of 3B.The vile schoolmasters and wet, weedy goody-goodies of St. Custard’s are no match for Nigel’s brutal intelligence and impeccable logic.

3) Ulric: It’s hard to say who’s been more of an influence on whom. When Ulric was a little boy, we often told potty jokes and said rude words. Now that I’m older, I still say rude words, but it’s Ulric who thinks the potty jokes are funny. Many people think that Ulric writes this blog, but it’s simply not true. If Ulric wrote this blog, here is what an entry might look like:

“I got up very late this morning and went to the coffee-shop, where I broke wind so violently that everyone scattered, and I was able to drink all of the coffee. Poor Bill Gates didn’t get his double-soy latte with carob sprinkles. Then, I decided that the coffee-beans were simply too good to grind up, so I jumped into the bag of Sumatra coffee-beans and wriggled my bare, stinky, sweaty toes. Then I pooped and thought about all of the words that rhymed with ‘duck.’”

Don’t try to deny it, Ulric! You are guilty as charged, guilty, guilty, guilty. Be that as it may, you did help me to get my cooking business underway, and I did help you with your Latin homework, even though you only took Latin so that you could hear the teacher talk about Crassus (see above photo) and "liquid vowels."

4) Curious George: Something you may not know is that Curious George is not a monkey. He is a chimpanzee. If he were a monkey, he’d have a tail. However, he doesn't walk on his knuckles, so who knows what he really is. The key difference between us (besides our species) is that Curious George doesn’t mean to get into trouble, whereas I am fully aware of my wretched ways. Also, no one would ever leave me alone in the house with an exhortation to "stay out of mischief and try not to be so curious." When it comes to brains, Ulric is head and shoulders above the Man With the Yellow Hat.

5) Cute Little Box: I still get upset when I think of CLB’s untimely demise. CLB was my first fan who hadn’t already met me in person, and the one who introduced me to ¾ of the people on my blogroll. He was a drinkin’, smokin’ womanizer who lived large despite his diminutive moniker. On the left side of my blog, right below the links to past posts, I have a memorial to CLB.

Monday, May 8, 2006 Update: CLB is alive and well! I just got this note in the comments section:

Cute Little Box said...
Oh Brad, those were indeed heady times. I remember when I first stumbled upon your site. I thought to myself "Finally a fellow blogger with the same wants and aspirations." Though gone from the blogosphere, I am still partying hard and fast. Your influence and bon mots of wisdom have gotten me out of many a sticky situation. Rock on dude!


I’m sure there are more people out there who have had some impact on my personality, but those are the main five. I could have mentioned King Kong, but really, he’s too much of a tragic figure, unless you go with the belief that he really didn’t die at the base of the Empire State Building, but rallied and went on to battle Godzilla (and win! O yes, and win.)

Random Bits

Things have been quiet since Hitman J moved to Pennsylvania. It's hard to be inspired when there's no weekly Word Verifier: the Gathering to spur me on. Lo, but I will try to rally.

1) In June, the House of Glee is going to New York City. They're not taking me. They want to take me along and photograph me standing on the Empire State Building, but Ulric said I couldn't go. Confound and blast that Ulric! I have never been to New York. Never. A further indignity... remember the cross-country car trip Ulric took from the East Coast to Seattle? Remember how I said I went along for the trip? The truth is, I didn't go. Ulric said I couldn't go. It's fine for me to help him skydive, but not to have actual fun on a road-trip. Humbug. Ulric's mother had to send me in the luggage compartment of an airplane because I was too big to sit in coach, and first class was too expensive. (This is why I NEED a helicopter. Keep buying those tee-shirts! At this point, I've almost got enough for the propeller.)



2) Finally, I've seen some real gorillas (albeit scary, skeletal gorillas) in the band Gorillaz, via the Clint Eastwood video. Like the other Gorillaz songs I've grown to appreciate, this one got under my skin in a strange way. For the longest time (5 minutes), I couldn't decide whether I was irritated or pleased. I finally went with the latter option. I've got these lyrics stuck in my head:

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless,but not for long
The future is coming on

3) The Landlord's daughter is turning 3 years old next Wednesday, and I still haven't figured out what I'm giving her for a present. She's started turning up her nose at bananas. I wanted to take her sky-diving, but my Landlord and Landlady said NO.

What a drag.

4) Anansi Boys is one of the most entertaining books I've read in a long time. I haven't enjoyed a book that much since The Adrian Mole Diaries and Chicken Pies for the Soul (both classics in their own right, especially if you define "classic" in the broadest sense possible).

5) Mr Pudding owes me 3 bottles of Henderson's Relish and a packet of Hob Nobs. I beat him in croquet, but he refuses to own up. Not only did Mr Pudding play croquet, he liked it. He wasn't even tipsy!

6) In her latest blog post, Nonny points out that the reason Generation X has a sense of entitlement is because they weren't expected to learn how to use a real yo-yo. I think she's onto something. In my high school, you couldn't graduate unless you could perform the Dr. Strange or translate the Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Manifesto from Latin to English. High school was rough!