Brad the Gorilla Blues

Mr Pudding thinks I'm the cat's pajamas. This is the second song he's written about me:

Oh baby, got them Brad Gorilla blues now
I said "Oh baby got them Brad Gorilla blues!"
And have you read the news gal?
To the bottom of my shoes gal
Got them goddam Brad Gorilla blues
Oh yay!

Woke up in the night gal
Brad Gorilla was a chomping at my door
Said I woke up in the night gal
Twas a terrible formidable sight I saw
Brad Gorilla lying
Like a big fur rug on my floor!
Oh yay!

I added another 2 verses to enhance the song:

Brad said, "My Landlady needs pudding in her bowl,"
He said, "She just needs rice pudding in her bowl,
If she don't get it, nothing will console."

I said, "You woke me up at 2 am,
"You woke me up, now I say 'scram'!"
Brad looked me in the eye,
He said, "Okay, I'll take some pie,
And in a pinch, I'll accept caramel flan."

Does anyone else have a song about me? The best song wins a secret prize, and the runner-up wins another secret prize.

Your Friend,
Brad

Fundamental Rules of the Blues

Yesterday, I received this piece of introspective wisdom in my inbox regarding an introduction to the Blues. I have tweaked the guidelines where I thought alteration was necessary, but for the most part, if you follow these rules, you'll be on your way to true Blues appreciation:


1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning...”

“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Helicopters are still up for debate.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. However, you cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get rain. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and New Orleans are still the best places to have the Blues.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ‘cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ‘cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass



11. Bad places for the Blues

a. Nordstrom’s

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses



12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you’re older than dirt

b. you’re blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis (or Reno)

d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis (or Reno) lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund



14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.



15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddywater

d. black coffee



The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. TAB soda

d. ZIMA



16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.



17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Gertrude

b. Lucille

c. Bessie

d. Victoria



18. Some Blues names for men:

a. Big Bill

b. Howlin'

c. Puddin'

d. Huddie



19. Persons with names like Madyson, MacKenzie, Hillary, Shania, and Britney can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



20. Blues Name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Kiwi Johnson or Stubbed-Toe Banana Coolidge.

21. And I don’t care how tragic your life is, if you own a computer*, you can’t sing the blues.



*Unless, of course, it doesn't work.

Cookie Chef

"I miss cookies!" my Landlady wailed. For the most part, she's given up eating sweets. While that's usually not a big deal for her, she does have a special fondness for rice pudding and chocolate-chip cookies.

"Fine, I'll invent some that you can actually eat," I replied. I experimented with all sorts of combinations to make a cookie that would be both healthy and delicious. The first couple batches I made with olive-oil and almond flour were soundly rejected. Finally, I came up with this recipe:

Landlady Cookies

1 cup rolled oats
2 cups flour (whatever you like, including up to 1 cup of nut flour)
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/4--1/3 cup Grade B maple syrup
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda

Add:
1/2 cup raisins OR 1 cup chocolate chips OR 1/2 cup raisins & 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Divide dough into little rounds onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 7 minutes (resist the temptation to over-bake). When you take the cookies out of the oven, leave them on the cookie sheet until they’ve cooled off. This will enable you to pick up the cookies without them crumbling in your hands.

Makes 16 cookies.

I used spelt flour, which is a good substitute for white wheat flour. I'm sure you could use whole wheat flour too. Gluten is not important with this recipe. Note the lack of butter or eggs, too. The maple syrup takes the place of both refined sugar (sweetness) and egg (stickiness).

The cookies really are quite good. They're slightly healthier (hah!) when made with raisins instead of chocolate chips, but a certain amount of chocolate is good for everyone.

Even Mr Pudding.

I am the winner

I am the winner of Mr Pudding's caption competition. I've got to say that while winning the contest itself was a delight and an honor, I'm not as enthusiastic about the prizes. I was hoping for a few bottles of Henderson's Relish.

Blogroll

My Landlady has done it again. We had an agreement, and she broke it.

For much of the day, her site was down. This evening, the Landlord fixed it. ("How did you do it?" the Landlady asked. "I'm amazing," the Landlord replied.) I just went to her site and noticed that she's added MY friends to HER blogroll.

When I confronted the Landlady about this matter, she was unapologetic. "They're my friends too," she said. "I know we initially agreed to keep our blogrolls separate, but they're my friends now. I read their sites daily. I am thankful that you, Brad the Gorilla, have introduced me to your friends. Still, you don't have a monopoly on the blogosphere."

A-ha! I may not have a monopoly, but I do have a Bradopoly. I will be seeking official action to counteract this indignity. This in no way reflects on any insecurity on my part, nor do I worry that my friends are going to like my Landlady better than they like me. What a preposterous notion. This is business. Bradley Enterprises will prevail.

In the meantime, I'm going to make some cookies.

King Planet

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness. Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions. Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom. Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that. If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

What Planet Are You From?

Cook-Booking With Bradley

I haven't gone near a stove at all since Chef Pudding and I handled fresh eels on last week's episode of Cooking with Bradley. On Friday, my dentist drilled some holes into me and put a temporary crown on my backmost molar. Monday morning, as I was eating my cereal, I realized that the small rock-like object in my mouth was not an overdried raisin. A hectic schedule filled with meetings for Bradley Enterprises kept me from attending to my detached crown until Tuesday morning. For all of Monday, I had to drink and eat everything with a straw. Many thanks to Friday for the pain-killing margaritas and Tallulah for the oragel. Mr Pudding regaled me with his guitar, but in his ode* to me, forgot that I was a gorilla, not a chimpanzee. I would have thought that my name, Brad the Gorilla, was a dead give-away, but who knows: perhaps in England, "chimpanzee" means gorilla, just as "pumpkin" means squash in Australia.

Be that as it may, this week, there will be no cooking on Cooking With Bradley. Instead, I'll introduce you to some of my favorite cookbooks:

Wookie Cookies: a Star Wars Cookbook











Star Wars Cookbook II: Darth Malt and Other Galactic Recipes











Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes











This one, however, is the non-pareil of cookbooks:




*In case you were interested, here is Mr Pudding's Song for Brad the Gorilla:


"Sail away you chimpanzee
Far across the salty sea
Stay in your cabin
On the poop deck
While a lady gorilla
Massages your neck!

And when the ship
Comes into port
Don't leap from the funnel
With a sneer and a snort
After all you're not King Kong
And this is the end
Of this stupid song!"

Shad's Blog?? Update

This just in from Friday's Web:

Brad, are you sure those were Shad's prints? I found something when i was scanning it into AFIS. I came up with a six point match to that print. But it belonged to...ummm...sure you want to know? Well, it matched Grape Ape's print perfectly. He was arrested in 2000 for fraud, you know? He had been dying his fur purple for years and then let it go au naturale....when Cartoon Network found out, they sued him for fraud and he was arrested and investigated, thoroughly. I can't post a picture here, but I'll send you one. It's creepy!

Six Point Match from Friday

Well, boil me in beet juice! I think I may have to lie down.






****
I had thought my brother, Shad the Gorilla, was too busy doing scientific research to blog. Now, I'm not so sure. As I was doing research of my own (recipes for the Great Trifle Competition, if you must know), I stumbled across this blog: Big Dead Place: a website devoted to the Antarctic. According to the website, it's edited by Nicholas Johnson, formerly known under the pseudonym F. Scott Robert. I'm not so sure about that. It's got Shad's fingerprints all over it.

Pudding Perspective

Mr. Pudding provides his own perspective regarding his guest spot on Cooking With Bradley. I wish I could have gotten pictures of the event, but my Landlord had lent it to some friends to photograph the traveling Doorknobs and Paperclips exhibit. What a pity.

Other than a brief incident in which live eels, overripe bananas and rude words were thrown, Mr Pudding and I got along swimmingly. Mrs Pudding had sent along a plum pudding for the House of Glee (out of season, but who cares!) and we all ate it with relish. Just kidding. We doused it with Bird's Custard and pronounced it delicious.

Cooking with Pudding

Good evening. As promised in last week's episode, this week on Cooking With Bradley features special guest Chef Pudding. So really, we will not be cooking with pudding, as the snappy title suggests, but Cooking With Pudding. In honour of Chef Pudding's homeland, we shall commence with a succulent dish enjoyed by Englishfolk everywhere: Jellied Eels. Fear not, it is fairly easy to make as long as you have fresh eels.

Jellied Eels
INGREDIENTS:
Eels - 900 g (2lb)
Grated nutmeg - pinch
Lemon - 1 zest and juice
Fresh herbs - a few, chopped
Fish stock - 600 ml (1 pint)
Onion - 1 small, finely chopped
Carrot - 1 small, finely chopped
Celery - 1 small, finely chopped
Bouquet garni - 1
Gelatine - 15g (.5 oz)

COOKING: 1. Skin and bone the eels but do not cut them up. Lay them on the table, skin side down and sprinkle with grated nutmeg, a little grated lemon zest and the chopped herbs.

2. Cut the fish into pieces about 4 inches long. Roll up each piece and tie with strong cotton or fine string. Put the stock, vegetables and bouquet garni into a saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the eels and simmer very gently until tender, for about an hour.

3. Lift out the fish take off the cotton or string and place the eels in a basin. Measure the stock and make up to 450 ml with water.

4. Add the gelatine to the lemon juice to dissolve the gelatine, then add this to the hot stock. Stir until completely dissolved. Strain this over the fish and leave to set.

5. Turn out when cold and serve with a green salad and sliced gherkins.



Cheers!

If the idea of eating eels is a bit foreign to you, think of eel as the veal of fish (not that I'd know about veal, being vegetarian, but it's what others say). My Landlady is a big fan of eel sushi:



Whereas my Landlord prefers the spider roll:


For Nonny, I'd recommend the Hello Kitty sushi special:


Whoops, I got distracted by sushi. It's easy to do.

Chef Pudding still refuses to tell me the secrets of his Yorkshire Pudding recipe, but I shall find it and exploit it for nefarious gastronomical purposes.

Post Removed Replaced

I took down the Battlestar Galactica spoiler, because as it turned out, it was a spoiler for people who hadn't yet seen Season One. I am a bad, bad gorilla. I blame my Landlady, because of course, it's all her fault.


Addendum: I put it back up with a warning that it's SEASON TWO. The strange thing is, it really is my Landlady's fault. She called up someone to tell him that the spoilers were just jokes (hah!), conveniently blocking out the fact that her friend hadn't yet seen all of Season One.

Who is Number Seven?

HUGE Battlestar Galactica Season 2 Finale Spoiler Ahead!

*********

The new Cylon model featured in the Season 2 finale of Battlestar Galactica is going to be a surprise of massive significance. So far, we have seen of 6 out of 12 Cylon models: Number 3 ("D'Anna Beers," played by Lucy Lawless), Number 5 ("Aaron Doral"), Number 6 ("Gina"/"Shelly Godfrey"), Number 8 ("Sharon Valerii"), "Leoban Conoy," and "Simon." However, the introduction of Number 7 in the series finale will turn everything inside-out and make everyone truly question what it is to be human... and Cylon.


Avert your eyes....






Avert your eyes....






Avert your eyes....







NOW!







You totally didn't see that coming... did you?

Cooking With Bradley: Pumpkin Custard

With all of the hub-bub over blogjail, I completely overlooked my regularly scheduled program, Cooking with Bradley. I plan to make pumpkin custard soon, but in case I don't get photos out, you can try the recipe of my own devising. (Sorry, Mr Pudding, you'll just have to adapt the recipe to metric measurements.) In the meantime, here is a stock photo that looks remarkably akin to my finished product:



If you are interested in trying this recipe, do not, under any circumstances,
get intimidated by the water bath used for custards. If you have a lasagna sized
pan and a liquid measuring cup with a spout, it is pretty easy to give the
custards a bath without burning yourself in the process.


Pumpkin Custard

1 cup milk (with some fat in it)
1 cup cooked, pureed pumpkin (canned is easiest)
2 eggs, beaten
1 tablespoon maple syrup (preferably Grade B)
1 teaspoon vanilla
½ teaspoon cardamom
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
(feel free to substitute spices, but use them in small amounts)

1) Heat milk until just steaming.

2) Beat eggs, then add pumpkin, maple syrup and spices. Blend until just mixed.

3) Add heated milk slowly, stirring.

4) Add vanilla

5) Pour into four medium sized custard cups.

6) Place four cups in a lasagna sized baking dish. Do not let the cups touch the
sides of the baking dish or each other.

7) Place the baking dish with cups into the oven, preheated to 325 degrees
Fahrenheit. While the oven door is open, pour water inside the baking dish until
it comes up to the sides of the custard cups ½ way (at least). A glass measuring cup with a spout works just fine.

8) Bake 40-50 minutes. The middles of the custards should be slightly jiggly but not sloshy.

9) Cool completely and refrigerate or eat at room temperature.

Join me next week, when I will be cooking with special guest, Chef Pudding. Chef Pudding will be my sous chef, as I, Bradley the Gorilla, am always the top chef in the kitchen. Watch in amazement as Chef Pudding obeys my every command! Watch how I switch from English measures to Metric measures and back again without missing a beat while Chef Pudding frantically looks for the metric conversion charts in The Joy of Cooking. Join us in the finale, when outraged beyond belief, Chef Pudding throws a fit AND a bowlful of batter at yours truly. You won't want to miss anything on the next installment of Cooking with Bradley.

Tutor

Little does my Landlord know that I'm tutoring his daughter in Latin. Even if she weren't the Landlord's daughter, I would still think she was the cleverest creature in the world. Among other things, she's got a real handle on the word "No."

Flying

Some people have this attitude about flying:

Come Josephine in My Flying Machine

Others have this attitude about flying:
High Flight

This is my attitude about flying:



I'm pragmatic, as you know. Now, all I need is more funding. Mr Pudding, keep selling those pens!

And yes, Lady K, I realize that you were temporarily looped when you suggested I use the money from the helicopter fund for bail. You and Nonny may both ride in my helicopter as long as Hitman J dangles from the landing skids while doing death-defying stunts a la James Bond. I will land the 'copter on Friday's boat. I'm sure she won't mind.

Sprung

I'm out of blogjail! In the middle of the night, Ulric showed up with a vintage "Get Out of Jail Free" card from his Bradopoly set. The jailer was furious, but there was nothing he could do. A Get Out of Jail Free card is non-negotiable.

It's such a relief to be out. I am grateful (in a gruff, hairy way, of course, that is not mushy in any shape or form) for all of you who lobbied for my release. Hitman J, I looked all over for the sign with the two clamps, but I didn't see it. I heard some clanking during the night from my cell-neighbor down the way, followed up a shouts of "Yippee!" so I suspect that person was the one who had your cell.

Friday and Lady K, thank you for all of the cannoli. Three dozen wasn't quite enough to give me a stomachache, but I had a fun time trying. Nonny, thank you for all of your petitions, though I really don't know what you meant by "harmless." I'm harmful. A menace to society, that's what I am... whoops, I'd better keep a low profile for a few days. You're right, though, in that Hitman J needs to take a photo of himself in his new finery.

Mr Pudding, I appreciate all of the ballpoint pens you sold to free me. Unfortunately, the Monkey didn't have a get out of jail free card, but fortunately, he wasn't in jail in the first place.

And finally, one more note to Lady K: "Use the money from tee-shirt sales," you said. Woman, are you crazy?! That's for the helicopter fund. Thwup, thwup, thwup.

I'm in Blogjail

I am writing from jail. Blogjail, to be exact. I am allowed one 10 minute blog post before they cart me away. Please come visit me, and bring bail, too. Last night, I was busted for falsely representing myself as an erew-folk (more specifically, "Hitman B") with the intent of getting people to divest their cannoli supplies to me. I had gotten the idea from my Landlady's blog with the onset of the new moon. I would convince you all I was undergoing a metamorphoses into Hitman B, and the only cure would be large plates of cannoli. My Landlady got wind of the scheme, told her friends, and then before I knew it, the Blogpolice showed up. They were ruthless. They took my cannoli away (I'll bet they ate it themselves) and carted me off to Blogjail.

My Landlady feels badly about the whole thing, and is trying to raise the bail. Please send comments. Lots of comments. Good ones. Please.

I'm Still Hitman B

I'm still Hitman B! As of now, there's 1 % left of the waning crescent moon. During the complete new moon, I will forget entirely about my identity as Brad the Gorilla until the moon begins to wax again. Bear with me, my friends. It's more difficult for me than it is for you. Among other things, this transformation has given me a powerful craving for cannoli. Perhaps the cannoli (should I be so lucky as to get some) will cure me of this affliction.

Ahem. You might want to send me some cannoli, post haste. In fact, why don't you give into the impulse? You'll be glad you did. So will I.

Meanwhile...

I've been rampaging all over the internet, leaving insightful and scary comments everwhere I go. Meanwhile, I (Hitman B) am featured in a story about Dave, the Frozen Yorkshire Pudding. I wish the story were about cannoli, but one has to make do with what one gets, unless of course one throws what one gets out the window and demands something new.

I'm Hitman B!

Were-folk are affected by the full-moon. Erew-folk, like me, are affected by the new moon. During this new moon cycle, I undergo a strange, uncanny transformation whereby I morph into someone else, and yet maintain my own Bradness. Since there is still 10% of the moon left, I still have 10% of me, and 90% of Hitman J. It sounds crazy, and it is! Behold:



Here is my blog entry as Hitman B. You will have to highlight the text in order to read it, because, of course, Hitman B types in white ink:

Ok, I know I made some comments around the Blogosphere about being a good cook, but I was faking it. I rarely cook these days. However, today will be a treat. The pizza dough is rising in the back room and in just under an hour I should be dining on my first hommade (all by myself) pizza!

This has inspired me to solicit recipes. Anyone got a favorite chili recipe? Cookies? Chicken Banana dishes (involve cheese and you get bonus points).

I once had a dish that was chicken bananas and Doritos burritos and cheese. I wish I'd written it down.

I just ordered some cookie dough from the local elementary school. It is chocolate cookie with mint banana chips. MMMmmm I love mint banana chocolate. I make my own special brownies: take any brownie mix, replace half the oil with creme de menthe banane syrup (oil-like consistency). No creme de menthe banane? You can use chocolate mint rum, but you should use all the oil the recipe calls for and just splash in the mint syrup to taste drink all the rum. I even have used peppermint whisky, but careful, that stuff is strong!

Another trick up my sleeve is to put a strong dash of cinnamon in my chocolate chip cookies. Not so much you can taste it outright, just enough to give it an extra zing punch.

We already discussed my lasagna once, but it is my piece de resistance! Sicillian style, with sausage basil pesto, ricotta, and lots of cheese!

Time to toss the pie in the oven.

Cooking with Bradley

Welcome to the first installment of my new feature,
Cooking With Bradley.

Each week, I will share with you in an easy-to-follow format one tried and true recipe that is guaranteed to wow your family! This week, I am starting with something simple but delicious. Even the pickiest of eaters will enjoy this classic Greek delight:

Tossed Eggplant and Zucchini


You will need:

1-3 ripe eggplants


1 raw zucchini


water


olive oil


sea salt (not the Hain brand)



Directions:

1) Peel and chop the raw eggplant into 2 inch cubes



2) Peel and chop the raw zucchini into 2 inch cubes



3) Get a pot. In the pot, add just enough water to cover the bottom. Place a vegetable steamer (also known as a "UFO") into the pot. Combine chopped zucchini and eggplant in the steamer, and steam, covered, until lightly cooked.




4) Remove from the pot. Coat the pieces with olive oil and salt, making sure that oil and salt are distributed evenly over the surfaces of the vegetables.



5) Open a window.



6) Toss zucchini and eggplant out the window.


7) Order out for Greek pizza.



Opa!