Monday, March 27, 2006

Fundamental Rules of the Blues

Yesterday, I received this piece of introspective wisdom in my inbox regarding an introduction to the Blues. I have tweaked the guidelines where I thought alteration was necessary, but for the most part, if you follow these rules, you'll be on your way to true Blues appreciation:


1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning...”

“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Helicopters are still up for debate.

6.
Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. However, you cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get rain. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and New Orleans are still the best places to have the Blues.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ‘cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ‘cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c.
empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass



11. Bad places for the Blues

a. Nordstrom’s

b.
gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses



12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you’re older than dirt

b. you’re blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis (or
Reno)

d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your
teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis (or Reno) lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund



14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.



15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you
gasoline
, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddywater

d. black coffee



The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c.
TAB soda

d.
ZIMA



16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.



17. Some Blues names for women:

a.
Gertrude

b.
Lucille

c.
Bessie

d.
Victoria



18. Some Blues names for men:

a.
Big Bill

b.
Howlin'

c.
Puddin'

d.
Huddie



19. Persons with names like Madyson, MacKenzie, Hillary, Shania, and Britney can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



20. Blues Name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example:
Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Kiwi Johnson or Stubbed-Toe Banana Coolidge.

21. And I don’t care how tragic your life is, if you own a computer*, you can’t sing the blues.




*Unless, of course, it doesn't work.

4 comments:

Nonny said...

LOL, you always know how to start my week with a laugh.

I feel like a Blues expert now!

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Oh baby, got them Brad Gorilla blues now
I said "Oh baby got them Brad Gorilla blues!"
And have you read the news gal?
To the bottom of my shoes gal
Got them goddam Brad Gorilla blues
Oh yay!

Woke up in the night gal
Brad Gorilla was a chomping at my door
Said I woke up in the night gal
Twas a terrible sight I saw
Brad Gorilla lying
Like a big fur rug on my floor!
Oh yay!

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Sing it, Puddin'! Sing it.

HitManJ said...

what if I woke up wearing a suit I slept in that is covered in jack Daniels cuz I shot a man in Memphis because he was sleeping with my wife?

BUT...he's the tennis pro at the club and they were conspiring to steal my 401(k) and run off to Canada in my Rolls Royce?

HOWEVER--I STOLE the Rolls-Royce AND I was sleeping with the tennis-pro's 18-year old daughter who only had 1 tooth and was a waitress at Waffle House.

BUT--I ate dinner last night at a 4-star restaurant where a Gorilla was the chef.

also, there was fur in my soup.