Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Scotch Eggs

For Charlotte, the initial thrill of Seattle has worn off, and now she complains about missing her friends in Glasgow. She is doing quite well for a beginner in her internship here at Bradley Enterprises, and someday she may rival even me in terms of grouchy bossiness. Fred, on the other hand, is a mellow sort of chap. He’s always trying to do kind things for Charlotte. Charlotte thinks Fred is babyish, and so she turns up her nose at his efforts.

Yesterday morning, as I was making eggs sunny-side up, Charlotte stomped to the breakfast table and said, “Eeew. I hate runny eggs. I only like meatless Scotch eggs."

I figured Charlotte could take care of her own breakfast. I don't know if you've ever had a Scotch egg, but nothing will harden your arteries faster, unless you count Charlotte's other favorite snack, the deep-fried Mars Bar. However, as I began to grind the coffee-beans for my first cup of coffee, Fred asked Charlotte, “Would you like an omelet made with Smart Bacon and bread-crumbs? An omelet isn't a runny egg."

"No!" Charlotte replied. "I said I didn't want any eggs that weren't Scotch eggs. I'd rather just starve."

“You don't need to throw a fit," I told Charlotte. "Fred was trying to help, which is more than I would do for you in the temper you’re in.”

“Fred is just a smug do-gooder,” Charlotte said. "He doesn't understand what I'm going through."

For those comments, I had Charlotte clean all the toilets in the house. In addition, she had to do something nice for Fred. She hasn’t done it yet, but she’s not getting her weekly stipend until she cooperates.

I have a headache.

9 comments:

Nonny said...

Nothing ages you faster than kids Brad. You seem to have a firm gorilla grasp on the situation. If you let her walk all over you now it will never end.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

"Will ye go lassie go?" - opening line of a famous Scottish ditty which I think you ought to sing to wee Charlotte. When in Rome do as the Romans do or when in Cascadia do as they would do in Seattle. To feed her a good Scottish dish try a pint of liquid lard over cheap roasted haggis, a plate of very greasy "French fries" (chips) and a couple of those little round "meat" pies beloved of Scots everywhere. Then phone the funeral parlour!

HitManJ said...

Quick reminder...how old is Charlotte? She is your neice, yes?

If I've said it once, I'll say it a dozen times...I need a family tree!!

Monkey said...

Oh my. Hitman wants a family tree. You can crouch in mine for a bit if you like.

Charlotte sounds like a very sensible lass, quite sure of her standards and convictions. And though I've never had the pleasure of ingesting a Scotch Egg, I now find myself craving one with the determination of a serial killer.

Way to go Charlotte! You keep standing up to the man... er... gorilla. I'll support you, you little flower.

Brad the Gorilla said...

In brief: There is now a family tree on the sidebar. More later, as I have to go shout at some employees and then fire them.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Monkey,
Thanks for the offer of your family tree. I have made a preliminary list to help Hitman J keep his thoughts in order. If you insist upon supporting the "little flower" (cantankerous thistle is more like it), then maybe she can go over to your house for breakfast. I guarantee you will not like the results! Charlotte has calmed down a bit since this morning, and apologized to Fred, albeit a bit sullenly. Fred is planting little seedlings in peatmoss, but he says he's afraid to give them to Charlotte. He is worried she will bite him. Yorkshire Pudding, Perhaps you would be so kind as to send Charlotte a can of vegetarian haggis? (I shudder to think of what it contains.) As you know, meatless doesn't necessarily mean "healthy." Charlotte loves chips (both French fries and crisps), Irn-Bru (which I refer to as "Urn Brew." I think that is a more apt description of the drink.), and Wine Gums.

Nonny, thanks for your support! I knew I could count on you.

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Brad, the song to which Yorkshire Pudding refers is also called Wild Mountain Thyme. (And no, I did not know that off the top of my head. I looked it up!)

HitManJ said...

Thanks for the geneological list. Who are Charlotte's parents? Didn't you have a brother in Hollywood? Which one is he?

Sorry, I have enough trouble keeping up with MY OWN "family" sometimes.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Hitman J,

I lived in Hollywood for awhile, when I was a struggling actor. My younger brother, Chad lives in Virginia Beach, and my other brother, Shad, lives on Ross Island. Some years ago, Shad was married to a Scotswoman (or Scotsgorilla) named Aoife, and Charlotte was the child of their union.

Are you going to post your family tree, Hitman J?