I am so mad at my Landlady I could spit pomegranate seeds. (Hah! My Landlady has been making such a fuss about pomegranates lately. When was the last time she ate one fresh off the tree? That's right, never.)
Yesterday, my Landlady asked me a few questions for what she said was a "fun survey." I thought she was talking about those silly personality quizzes that are so popular with the blogosphere right now. I decided to indulge her. Noblesse oblige, after all. I had no idea that my Landlady was filling out a personals ad for me. A personals ad. How often have I have said (ranted, raged) about having no interest whatsoever in romantic relationships? Did my Landlady have a banana in her ear all those times? I'm shocked and dismayed. For someone who's supposed to be soooo sensitive, she sure does have a callous and cruel streak. (Of course, part of me is impressed by her powers of cunning and guile, but not enough to ease my ire. Not enough by far.)
Here is the list of questions my Landlady asked me under false pretenses:
What is your most humbling moment?
It’s hard to say. Either it was after losing the third round in the semi-finals of Wimbledon, or after my Landlady posted my baby photos. Then again, I did lose the match to Goran Ivanisevic, so I’d have to vote for the photos. What was humbling about the moment was realizing I had underestimated the craftiness of my Landlady. Never again! (Addendum: Famous last words.)
· If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
I’m always exactly where I want to be. What’s the purpose of this survey again?
What are the five items you can't live without?
I assume that you’re not asking about the basics of food, clothing and shelter
(though really, I don’t need clothes, as I have my fur), but about some of my favorite items. With that in mind, here are the five items I like a lot:
the new zebra-striped apron my Landlady is sewing for me
my limited-edition “A Very Special Earth Day with Elvis” album
my paella pan
· Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier.
Oh. That. Is. Just. Gross.
· In your bedroom one will find...
A big mess. That’s not my fault, though, as my roommates are the messy ones.
I live with a chimpanzee named Fred, a 800 pound gorilla named Brutus, and a wiry human named Ulric. Fred and Brutus are relatively tidy, but Ulric is another matter. It’s okay, though. When the room gets too messy to maneuver without bruising shin-caps, I just throw everything out the window.
Why You Should Get to Know Me
You already know me! Oh, I have to pretend you don’t know me. Okay. There is only one good reason why you would want to get to know me: I’m Brad the Gorilla. Case closed.
More About What I Am Looking For
I enjoy cooking with organic bananas, but am also appreciative of pineapples, guavas, and mangoes. I have a weakness for passion-fruit soda, but that’s hard to get anywhere outside of South Africa. As far as spices go, I am a big fan of saffron, cardamom, and sumac. All of those spices make good presents. Is that why you're asking me? I have a whole wish-list of suitable presents, as you very well know.
Update: Now I'm starting to get email messages about the personals ad. Help!