Many of you have written to me with burning questions about Halloween costumes. "What is the best way to dress up as Brad the Gorilla?" some of you have asked, while others wondered, "Is there a decorum for dressing up as a gorilla?" Of course there is. Never let it be said that I am unhelpful to my friends and readers in need. Here are the following five tips for your edification and inspiration:
1) No Gorilla Dances Ballet
Trust me: in the realm of dance, gorillas tend to stick to modern or jazz. Ballet dancing is very hard on the body. Pointe shoe dancing, in particular, may look good, but tell me, where in the whole evolutionary process did someone think it was smart to balance his or her whole weight on an area that's 2 inches squared at the most? Someone should have gotten a Darwin award for that one, except that s/he didn't, and now ballet dancers have to deal with bloody toes and washed-up careers at ages when most humans are just beginning to wonder, "What do I want to be when I grow up, I mean now that I've graduated from school and racked up thousands of drachmas in debt?"
2) Hyperbole is Fine in Moderation, but There's No Need to Be Overly Silly
Many humans would think that this costume is a gorilla's dearest dream come true. Here's another basic rule of nature: smaller fruit is sweeter, larger fruit is blander and mushier. A banana this large is probably pumped up with nasty chemicals and tastes like dirt without the benefit of crunchy bugs.
3) Strive For Accuracy
This Planet of the Apes costume would be fine except that the vest is not the same color as the ones worn by the gorilla soldiers. What's the point? However, if you want to pretend you're a futuristic space-gorilla from Babylon 5, then by all means, this costume might be your cup of tea. Just watch out for those Narns, who might be under the mistaken impression that you are mocking them. Narns are notorious for having no sense of humor whatsoever.
4) Don't Project Your Hero Worship Onto Your Children
Children's lives are hard enough, what with having to deal with peer pressure to dress up as princesses and presidents. Let their appreciation for gorillas grow naturally and spontaneously.
5) Real Estate Gorilla is the Way to Go
If you must dress up in a gorilla costume (and when it comes down to it, I don't blame you one little bit), the Real Estate Gorilla is the best gag of all. With real estate prices the way they are, everyone gets excited when they see a sale. Imagine pointing this sign at a mansion in Medina! You'll have the crowds positively rabid. What kinds of treats do you think the Manor Born distribute to the masses? With our luck, they give out raisins.