Gorilla Librarian

Nonny said I should really try to break into films. I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried. After George Lucas kicked me off the set of Star Wars when I accidentally let his rhubarb pie burn, I was gorilla non grata in Hollywood.

I went overseas for work (I had a European Union work permit, thanks to my Welsh grandmother), and auditioned for a skit in Monty Python’s Flying Circus. I was going to be a gorilla librarian! At the last minute, there were some snags* in the filming of the scene, and one of the regular actors decided to dress up in a gorilla suit. I hate it when that happens. Humans dressing up in gorilla suits is disturbing. Humans are not knuckle-walkers, and don’t cut the same fine figure as the mighty gorilla gorilla gorilla (i.e. Western Lowland Gorilla, not to be confused with gorilla gorilla diehli, the Cross River Gorilla).

The problem with getting a film career is that the industry refuses to let gorillas into the Actor’s Equity Association. Some people might say that it’s my fault** but I suspect that the industry is biased in favor of humans.

I might do better in the gaming industry. There’s a slight but solid demand for gorillas in multi-player sorceries, including that of the Gorilla Librarian. Aha! Expect a come-back in the works.


*Graham Chapman got royally peeved with me for eating all of his banana crunchies, and Eric Idle had the audacity to insinuate that I wasn’t very funny. I also believed John Cleese would be amused, not furious, when he sat down on a mince pie in his dressing room.

**Everyone in the AEA says it’s my fault.