Saturday, December 16, 2006

How Brad got permanently banned from Antarctica

Here are the details that I gathered from Brad, among his whimperings and requests to be consoled with whiskey:

While Brad was helping Shad record observations about penguins and other wildlife in the great tundra of the south, Brad started to brainstorm new ideas. Apparently, he hadn't learned his lesson from past misadventures. Brad noticed that the penguins, algae, and other wildlife were standing idle much of the time, doing nothing productive. Brad began to develop a notion that he could do something to improve their condition of living. He began to see a link between their idleness and the need for Bradley Enterprises to expand. What if Bradley Enterprises got involved in the Christmas present delivering business? No one was competing with Santa Claus at the moment. This would be an optimal time for a new company to enter the industry.

While Shad and the other scientists were asleep, Brad spent the next several days rounding up penguins and other able-bodied wildlife, and put them to work constructing a factory in the snow. Shad became irritated the Brad was dozing off during the daytime instead of working, but he did not suspect anything out of the ordinary.

Somehow, Brad managed to acquire enough presents to give to children in various parts of the world. But he still needed a vehicle to transport the presents. How about a helicopter? That would be the right vehicle to deliver presents in, and it would be much more fun that a sleigh. He borrowed a helicopter from a nice patrolman, while the patrolman was asleep. He was going to tell the patrolman when he got around to it. Brad got the helicopter part way into the air before he realized that he did not know how to drive a helicopter. While he was studying the operator's manual, the helicopter crashed. He figured that it must have been something wrong with the helicopter, so the patrolman wouldn't miss it anyway. Brad went with this notion as he tried and crashed and exploded several more helicopters. He knew that the patrolmen would be thrilled and impressed that he was left uninjured.

Finally, he found a helicopter that actually worked the way it was supposed to and didn't crash. He swooped down and grabbed the bag of presents, with the help of the penguins. He lost a landing rail in the process, but that wasn't a big deal.

As part of his business strategy, Brad delivered Christmas presents on December 1st. "People will be impressed that I'm more timely than Santa Claus", he thought.
He went to the first house. He looked into the chimney and realized that he didn't want to get his fur dirty. So he swung down with an arm full of presents and kicked down the wall to the living room. "They won't mind when they see the wonderful presents that I've delivered them". He set the presents down by the Christmas tree, and left the invoice for the fairly-priced items that he delivered.

He went from house to house across the nations. Some people were awake and gave loud, vehement shouts of joy as he surprised them with his grand entry and the low prices at which they were receiving their presents. He was a bit disappointed that no one offered him hot chocolate or cookies. Cheapskates.

After a hard day's work, he returned to Antarctica, surprised to find a group of angry scientists and government officials awaiting him...



El JoPe Magnifico said...

No penguins were harmed (or at least none claimed L&I, not were any bodies found) in the writing of this report.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Of course, government officials claim otherwise. Carumba! Another whisky for me, El Jope.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

"He went from house to house across the nation".... Which nation? Albania? Bhutan? Burundi? Swaziland? Scotland? Or are you as I suspect being Americocentric once again? This is tantamount to racism and Santa Claus would never sink that low!

Brad the Gorilla said...

YP: It was a typo. Ulric meant house to house across the nationS. It's corrected now. Now, for a correction of your impudent behavior....
I am looking forward to the crate of Henderson's relish. Ho ho. Although it is not in my nature to do so, I shall offer you thanks in advance.

Monkey said...

Good Lord Brad! I suggest you go into therapy for your rampant capitalism streak immediately. You need to be deprogrammed.

Competing with Santa... I never!!

Lady K said...

I am SO grateful that my house wasn't one of the ones "visited." Sorry, Brad, that was just wrong. And here I was going to send you chocolate covered bananas.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Oh please. Santa Claus lives in the North Pole. I was near the South Pole. It seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time. But no, everyone is soooooooo protective of Santa Claus. Humbug.

El JoPe Magnifico said...

Dear Mr. The Gorilla,
Having just returned from a Chanukah party, I'm reminded of the SNL skit wherein Santa is taken ill on Christmas Eve and rings up Hanukkah Harry to fill in. Comedy gold, but in truth the two are bitterest rivals.
Zionistically yours,
SeƱor Magnifico