Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Etiquette Seminar

Dear Nonny,

I am writing from the road. I am filling in for Ms. Juanitta Mannerly-Appe who was teaching some in-state seminars on gorilla behavior, or rather, how one should behave when in the presence of a gorilla. While in Snoqualmie, Ms. Mannerly-Appe caught a chest-cold that prohibited her from completing the rest of her tour. I found Ms. Mannerly-Appe's agenda to be incomplete, so I added a few points of my own. To wit:

Traditional Gorilla Etiquette

Obviously, these points only cover the manners you display to the gorillas at the zoo. When gorillas are out in the world, there is a whole host of other things to remember. I shall name just a few:

1) When you first meet a gorilla, it is polite to offer a present of some kind. Future meetings do not warrant a present, but some sort of small gift in the form of delicious food is appropriate. That small gift does not have to be anywhere near the extravangence of the first gift.

2) When a gorilla tosses a mixed-salad with his or her feet, then offers it to a human, it is unseemly to turn it down. The human must eat every bite, or the gorilla's feelings will be hurt.

3) If you buy a brand-new car, it is courteous to offer the first test-drive to a gorilla, and not to make any comments on the state of the car when it is returned to you.

Of course you knew all this, but many of the humans in Washington State are not as informed. That is about to change! I shall post updates as I am able while on the road, but do not expect the normal calibre of insight and genius you usually find within this blog. I shall return home before Thanksgiving, as I have agreed to cook the Thanksgiving meal for the entire family plus extended relatives. I am getting paid, of course.

Your friend,


Nonny said...

Whew! I was this close to calling Robert Stack, if he was still alive, and Unsolved Mysteries was still on. My god the injustice of having a human teach gorilla etiquette, at least now they'll get the straight scoop. Keep me posted:)

HitManJ said...

I'm cool with #1 and #2 (though making me eat the ENTIRE salad seems a bit much...how about just a normal human-sized portion?) but I have to call Balderdash on #3. Don't try to sneak that kind of stuff in on us. We may only be mere humans, but we didn't fall off the banana truck yesterday.

HitManJ said...

Seriously, if there IS Karma, we're all dead....unless you come participate in "WV:TG".

Rated E for Everyone.

Gorillas play for free.

Only in the Hideout.

Fridaysweb said...

Brad, Honey. When you get done with your work tour, would you mind making a detour to NC and come toss my salad? I mean, toss me a salad? Please.


Brad the Gorilla said...


Surely, I will visit you in NC. Will you pay my air travel expenses? I like to travel first class. I also like to have two seats to myself. That way, I can look out the window AND grab other people's drinks from the aisle.