Wednesday, October 25, 2006

"Brad is..." so famous

Whenever I worry about my fame potentially fading, all I have to do is go to the internet to rediscover how famous I really am. When I type in "Brad is..." I find:

Brad is a freelance writer, investigative citizen journalist/blogger.

True! It was the first hit, too.

She does not yet fully realize how inadequate Brad is going to be as any kind of long-term prospect.

True! No one will ever entice or trick me into a long-term relationship, not even Lady K.

Kathy begins to suspect that Brad is having an affair with Sarah, and so she arranges a dinner party for the two couples.

False! I am having an affair with no one. Who's Sarah? I'll bet Nonny would know. Nonny, who's Sarah?

I know Brad is hurt that Denise is engaged, but doesn't he realize he just gave Alan a challenge?

False! I'm fine with Denise's engagement. Alan had better watch out, though.

Now Brad is set to star as the investigative journalist played in the series by Brit actor JOHN SIMM.

Well! I didn't even know someone was making a movie about my life. I'm flattered. I'd better get royalties.Mr. Simm is going to have to bulk up a bit if he's going to look like me. Mr. Pudding, aren't you thrilled that a Yorkshireman is playing me? I sure hope he gets my accent right.

She supports the family while Brad is allegedly studying to pass a bar exam.

False! I have never studied for any of the 5 times I took the bar exam.

“Brad is a superstar,” said Max Stier, president and CEO of the partnership. “He has been a house on fire. Nobody meets him who is not delighted.”

True! I have never met Max Stier, but when you're famous (as I am), word gets around.

Brad is a different story, daydreaming through life in search of lost youth.

False! I am not searching for lost youth. I deliberately got rid of it. I'm a grouchy old gorilla.

Raised in Washington state as the youngest of five children, Brad is fit and athletic — the hallmarks of many successful Survivor contestants.

Someone did not do his or her homework. Even though I am fit and athletic, I was not raised in Washington State, and I am not the youngest of five children. Chad the Gorilla is younger than me, remember?

Brad is supposed to be studying for his bar exam, but he's more interested in teenage pursuits, such as skateboarding or football.


"Brad is not pretentious. There's nothing artsy-fartsy about him," says Running With Scissors director Ryan Murphy.

False! And true! I am pretentious, but there is nothing artsy-fartsy about me, unless of course you count the time I attended art school. I got thrown out by the end of the semester, though. Philistines.

Brad is not dissatisfied with his stay-at-home status; his previous failure of the bar exam and present lack of will to study situates him in a lifestyle of watching his son while his beautiful wife (Jennifer Connelly) works to support them.

Everything is true except the part about the son and the wife.

Brad is a full time professional performer with outstanding vocals. ... Brad is available for tribute shows, Elvis-grams, special events, parties, reunions, carnivals, anniversaries, weddings or store promotions.

True! Except for the part about weddings and store promotions, of course. Those events are strictly Monkey's jurisdiction.

“Brad is a very talented driver and has an incredible NASCAR future ahead of him."

Was that your quote, Friday? If so, thanks so much. I'm really good at driving cars very fast and crashing them into other things. Why can't I get a driver's license, though? (And why didn't I notice the Coors Light sticker on my helmet before I put it on? I would never willingly shill for Coors light. O the embarrassment.)

Brad is a natural leader and entrepreneur.



Yorkshire Pudding said...

Brad is... an anagram of drab!

Brad the Gorilla said...

Yorkshire Pudding's anagram is "Herd drinks pig you." And many more! Pie in yer face, Mr Pudding! Pie in yer face.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Big fat banana where the sun don't shine Apeman!

Nonny said...

Is it Sarah Jessica Parker? That's the only Sarah I can think of that even comes close to meeting your high standards.

You're such an enigma Brad. Almost lawyer, Survivor contestant (I would pay to see that), and NASCAR driver. You totally rock!

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Nonny: Maybe it's Sarah Vowell! She seems a bit more into oddballs like Brad than SJP would be.

Mr. Pickleton said...

Arrgh!! Everywhere I look, I see Brad. When I'm drinking my coffee in the morning, Brad stares back at me from the mug... whenever I go to a rock concert, the musicians have all been replaced with Brads... even the hedges in my front yard look like Brads. Now I can't even find escape in outer space! It's all your fault Brad! You're EVERYWHERE!

Phil said...

...everything after "Jennifer Connelly" is a blur to me, I'm afraid. Mmmmm, Jennifer Connelly...

Brad the Gorilla said...

Mr Pickleton: It's all a part of my nefarious plan to take over the world.

Phil: What would Sarah Vowell say to that??

Fridaysweb said...

Yes, dear. I noticed the car, the helmet, and your bonny face, you mischievous malcontent. Much more handsome than Sterling was, while driving in years past and still more pleasant than our young Mr. Stremme, the current operator. Did you ask permission to drive? Don't knock the 40 car so quickly, though: it made Marlin over $4M in 2005 and has earned Stremme approximately $2M, this year. Perhaps you should demand Chip Ganassi allow you to take over. Imagine all the t-shirts you wouldn't need to sell.

Monkey said...

I had no idea you were so accomplished and a commitment phobe.

And it should be noted that I emphatically do NOT perform at weddings or store openings. Good Lord.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Friday: I wasn't knocking the car, but the Coors Lite beer. Seriously, can you look me in the eye and tell me you like light beer?

I did not ask permission to drive. I find that when I ask permission for something, the answer is usually "No." Ergo, I bypass the whole "asking permission" deal. In that regard, I have a lot in common with the Wee Free Men.

Monkey, you dissembling simian, do I have to get out the photos of you performing at weddings? You're a regular fool for klezmer.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Night night Bwad! Night night!

Yeah, him. said...

Brad would make a better Nascar driver than Jeff Gordon - looks like he already has sponsorship.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Mr Pudding: It's too bad that you've acquired a lisp. Is it from the bleeding, broken lip you acquired due to your cheekiness at the pub?

Yeah. Him: You seem like a solid sort of guy with impeccable judgement and who happens to be gruff, to boot. Hurrah!

Monkey said...

You must have me confused with someone else dammit. I've never even been to a wedding, never mind perform at one.

Don't make me bite you!

Lady K said...

You know you can't live without me. ;-) I brought bananas, and I know how to cook with them. They say the way to a gorilla's heart is through his stomach, right?

Yorkshire Pudding said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yorkshire Pudding said...

No Nonny, the way to a gorilla's heart is through his rib cage... with an elephant gun.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Monkey: You've never been to a wedding? It's fun-- you get to throw food at everyone during the reception... and the ceremony. Oftentimes, you get thrown out, but that's to be expected. Well, if you don't play weddings, someone's going to have to take up the slack. Mr Pudding, probably. He may be a curmudgeonly old sot, but his work on the fretboard is enough to make a
laughing hyena weep for joy. P.S. If you bite me, then I'll pull your tail, and then where will we be?

Lady K: I'm so sorry Mr Pudding has you confused with Nonny, not to mention obsessed with the use of firearms. He's a bit addled, that one, but we endure it for the sake of his pithy melodies on the guitar. The way to my affections is definitely through my stomach. What have you got? Bananas foster is a particular favorite of mine, hem hem.