Ask Brad

I'm starting up my advice column again. Send all queries for my advice to my email (if you want to be anonymous) or post queries in the comments section. Here's what I've got so far from the email:

Dear Brad the Gorilla,

Relationship advise! Top Online Dating Sites Rated Free Ads. [I want to] Learn more. Please visit.
--Relationship Advise

Dear RA:

If you want to be in a successful relationship, you will first need to learn to communicate properly. Take a couple of grammar and writing courses. Read a few books. Whatever you do, be advised that Spell Check is no substitute for a clear understanding of the language you allegedly speak.

Your friend,
Brad

Dear Brad the Gorilla,

Heya wats up?

I was just going to let you know of a new way to make some extra bucks here and there. Works pretty well to, [sic] They send you a check or paypal payment every month for all the offers you complete. I make about 400 dollars on a month to month basis myself without much work, pretty much just promoting. But you can still make around $30 on a month to month basis by doing the free online offers yourself.
I would join if I were you and check it out.
--Alissa

Dear Alissa,

Look here, buddy, I'm the one giving advice, not you. I have to wonder what sorts of sordid services you are "promoting." My advice to you is to find yourself a proper job and leave the lollygagging to the gorillas. We benefit greatly from lying around in the rainforest and picking nits off of each other. Is that what you really want to do with your life? I thought not. Now, get out of here and learn how to make a proper caffe latte.

Your friend,
Brad

Hey Brad.taron!!

When was the last time you were able to discover a High Profile
Hollwyood production company on the ground floor?
--MPRG.PK

Dear MPRG.PK,

The last time I discovered a High Profile Hollywood production company on the ground floor was around this time last year, when Peter Jackson was putting the finishing touches on "King Kong." When was the last time you proof-read your emails? I recommend in the future that you make a practice of doing so.

Your friend,
Brad

Dear Beloved,

How are you together with your family and work? I hope all is well with you and your family. I am Mrs. Katherine Jambo from Sudan, presently staying in Dakar, Senegal. I have been working as a human rights activist and a humanitarian coordinator for 15 years before i became sick and very unwell to continue the work that i started with my husband. I`m married to Mr Naboth Jambo, We were married for 32 years with one Son, John. My husband died after a brief illness and before his death, we had been working together in humanitarian agencies in Southern Sudan helping the war-displaced.

[BLAH BLAH BLAH]

I do not have any body left as i was an orphane and has been struggling with my late husbad for survival in life. I will want you to help me in transferring this money in the bank into your care and making an investment on behalf of my son. I will also want you to help my son in migrating to meet you where he will continue his education until he is old enough to take care of himself. I am willing to pay you 20% of the total money for your services and i will sign a comprehensive agreement with you on the management of any investment that you will make and the percentage of the profits that will come to you as the funds manager. Please do not turn me down as i am scared about the future of my only son.

Please assure me that you will assit me to secure his future as i know that i do not have much time left in the world and i will not want him to fall into very wrong hands.

I await your very urgent response.
Sincerely,
--Katherine.

Dear Katherine,
Your plight moves me. Unfortunately, I will not be able to help you without the use of my very own helicopter. If you can arrange for a properly working, brand-new (shiny) helicopter to be delivered to one Brad the Gorilla in Seattle, Washington, I'm sure I'll be able to fly to your aid. In the meantime, here is some advice for you:

*The "i" should always be capitalized when referring to oneself in the first person, not just when one feels like it.

*Twenty percent of the money is not enough. You should offer 85%. Send it to me in gold bouillon. I don't trust the banks these days.

Your friend,
Brad
P.S. "Beloved?" Ugh! Too smoochy by far.