Saturday, November 18, 2006

Advice to my Readers

My inbox is bare. No one this week sent in a request for my advice. If you, dear readers, are too encumbered with the burdens of your daily lives to write to the wisest gorilla you know, I will take it upon myself to write the letters for you. Lady K and Smoochypants have already written in. Here are some new letters:

1) Dear Brad,
What do I have to do for you to forgive my past impudence toward your great personage? How do I adequately humble myself before the greatness that is Brad the Gorilla? Why, oh why, did I not realise sooner that you are the ruler of the blogosphere and I am a mere peon? Should I send you a case of Henderson's Relish?
--Yorkshire Pudding

Dear Mr Pudding,
The case of Henderson's Relish is a good start. Don't beat yourself up too badly with harsh words. A few tongue-lashings will do. I will consider your humble utterances of remorse and get back to you on the matter.
Your friend,

2) Dear Brad,
I'm addicted to video games and television shows! I can't seem to stop playing games and watching tv. What should I do to combat my addiction? Take up macrame? Learn to play the ukelele? Help! I am lost without you.


Dear Nonny,
I'm sure your devotion to video games is a healthy one. Don't worry about it. However, if you need help regarding your gluttony of television shows, I will be happy to throw your television out the window. I love doing that! You have no idea how many hotels have banned me for life as a result.
Your friend,

3)Dear Brad,
I have a shameful secret: I still play with paperdolls. I'm worried my kids will find out. Help!
P.S. Don't print my name.

Dear Friday,
Your secret is safe with me. I wouldn't sweat it with the paperdolls. If your kids show up while you're playing with them, you can always say that you're working on current fashion designs.
Your friend,


Ulric said...

Dear Brad,

I can't seem to come to a consensus with a Gorilla named... um... "Shmad", about the age that he has posted on his blog. It looks like the age that is specified in his profile is 250 years. However, when I mention this to him, he thinks that I'm confusing his age with his weight, in addition to getting his weight wrong. What do I do in this situation?

Waiting for pizza,

Ulric said...

P.S. Now he's throwing larks at me. I'm going to throw chickens back at him.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Dear Ulric: I'm sure Schmad is just having a joke at your expense. Gorillas are well-known for their keen and witty senses of humor.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

How dare you! To playfully misuse my name for vicarious amusement is plainly not on! You sir are an impudent bounder! If I had a problem it would read like this:-
Dear Wild Animal Hunter,
I am being bothered by a great ape that squats in a suburban home in Seattle. I have tried everything but I realise that the only solution is to take this SOB out! How many dollars?
Yours sincerely,
Y.Pudding Esq.

Brad the Gorilla said...

The Wild Animal Hunter replies:
"Dear Y.Pudding Esq., Clearly, you are overreacting. Go down to the pub, have a few pints, and send the gorilla the Henderson's Relish already."

Monkey said...

Dear Brad,

I find myself with the beginnings of an unseemly crush on someone named... er... "Tapioca Pudding". He doesn't know I'm alive. How can I get him to notice me? I've tried throwing feces, but this doesn't work.

Ashamed in Maine

Nonny said...

I agree that I'm lost without you, though not about you throwing my tv out the window. I would be lost devestated were that to happen. If only for the fact that I would have nothing to play my video games on :)

Lady K said...

Dear Brad,

How can I get my young co worker to stop hiding her work only for us to find it weeks later and set us further behind than we already are? We've talked to her countless times, and things get better for about a day, then it goes back to the same old stuff.


Frustrated in Phoenix