Saturday, November 11, 2006

Why people send spam a lot

Ms Smoochypants writes:

Dear Brad,
Why do people send spam? I mean really. Who benefits from them?
Your Fluffydoodle

Do you remember the story of Prometheus and how he stole fire from the Greek gods in order for humans to be able to char and eat the flesh of the animals they hunted? Remember how Zeus threw a tantrum and chained Prometheus to a rock, with an eagle descending upon Prometheus each day to eat his liver? (Uncooked, I might add.)

The story of why people send spam has uncanny similarities. In the beginning, the gods were jealous of people's abilities to write soaring verse, scathing prose, and witty asides. All they could do was to inspire the people to write verse/prose/asides in their honor. In time, the people came to ignore the gods and lo, they discovered ways to send their verse/prose/asides at speeds that made Hermes's head spin like a whirling dervish. That was the advent of email. In rage and revenge, some of the gods decided that they would take over this "email" phenomenon. Alas, their meanderings turned into gobblety-gook along these lines:

the tail!" added jack pumpkinhead. could only speak a little pigeon english; so she must be kind to the poordressing room after a prolonged prink. guessing the thing of all others that he wanted to do. "but this copper man," continued dorothy, looking with patience and care. sometimes her family were invited in to help eat to a thread, and nice little bars across the end so i can't tear them when

Unfortunately, some humans got wind of these utterances from the gods, and misguided fools that they were, strove to emulate these celestial beings. Alas, that is how spam came to be, and until people learn to sort their verse/prose/asides from their gobblety-gook, we shall have spam ever more.

My advice to you in this matter would be to do your part to educate your fellow human beings as to the true nature of the Greek gods, and warn them away from emulating such undesirable verbiage.

Your friend,

P.S. In relation to the potted-meat product, here are some photos of the Seventh Annual SPAM Sculpture Contest.


Yorkshire Pudding said...

Grilled "Spam" is lovely with new potatoes and peas. "Spam" was the best thing that the American forces left in Britain after the second world war apart from 32,327 illegitimate babies! Is the same process happening in Iraq I wonder? Hey baby here's a can of "Spam" - now where's the bedroom honey?

Ulric said...

If e-mail spam could be converted into real spam, the world would never go hungry. Also, the vegetarians would rethink their ways, because spam in high quantities is irresistable.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Mr Pudding: Yes, the lovely British ladies couldn't resist the brusque, brash, boyish charms of the American G.I.s. I know this is true because I was once forced to watch "Hanover Street."

Ulric:If they can make vegetarian haggis, surely they can make vegetarian spam.

Ulric said...

By the way, I read your updated profile, and I have 3 questions: 1. Are you really 250 years old?
2. Really?
3. You?

Brad the Gorilla said...

Ulric: You're a bit thick, aren't you? I am 450 lbs, not 250 years old.

Fridaysweb said...

Wasn't that a movie starring Harry Hamlin?

Ulric said...

...but it says in your blog profile, as of 7:10 PM PST 11/13/2006, that you are 250 years old. Look for yourself.

Nonny said...

OMG! You've gone beta haven't you? Is everyone abandoning me?

I loved this post, very funny.


Monkey said...

Oh my! I am able to comment here for the first time in eons. Ages and centuries. The Gods of Blogger smile upon me today.

Thank you for the edification on the subject of Spam and the nifty tips on how to pick up women in the UK. I go forth a wiser Monkey.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Ulric: I just threw that in for a lark.

Nonny: I was tricked into beta! It's not my fault really. I blame Mr Pudding for everything.

Monkey: I did not know it was possible for you to become even wiser, but there you go. Congratulations on your new duds from the shop, by the way!