Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Learning Experiences from Movies and TV


Things I learned from watching movies.

More things I learned from watching movies.

Even more things I learned from watching movies.

Still more things I learned from watching movies.

Finally, things I learned while watching the television program Lost on a small computer screen next to my Landlord and Landlady:

1) If someone asks you about a secret from your life before you got stranded on the island, you can avoid answering by looking wistful, narrowing your eyes, and cueing mysterious music. If you can arrange for a fade to a commercial (or even better, a rolling of the credits), you're in the clear.

2) If someone offers to tell you a secret from his or her life before s/he got stranded on the island, say, "No, it's not important" only if there are three minutes left to the rolling of the credits. Otherwise, you can say, "Sure, go ahead," but expect that the person will change his or her mind about revealing the secret. (See #1).

3) If you get captured by mysterious villians on the island and actually escape from them, you must have amnesia by the time you return to the camp. In no way are you to find out anything crucial to the castaways' survival on the island. If you break this rule and find out something crucial to the castaways' survival on the island, you will probably lose a lot of blood.

4) One person on the island always has an inexhaustable supply of sunscreen, pillaged from the wreckage of the fuselage. This person also has lots of personal razors and shaving cream. When you need something from this person, it's important to demand it, often accompanied by threats. Saying "please" and "thank you" is gratuitious and unnecessary.

5) If you are ten years old, always go into the jungle unaccompanied, preferably without telling anyone. If you must bring your dog, make sure you drop its leash at a crucial moment. It doesn't matter that there are dangerous beasts in the jungle and you've been warned to stay close to camp. You've had a tough childhood, and no one is the boss of you.

7 comments:

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Your cynicism about the world of movies is so pronounced that you must be English! Everybody in the world knows that Americans are very gullible and cannot see through the crap that surrounds us - either in film, advertising, politics or environmental matters. Arise Sir Brad! I hereby endow thee with honorary citizenship of King Arthur's fair island. Thy cynicism entitles thee to a free ride on the Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Barff!

Lady K said...

You hit the nail on the head, honey! Same concept goes for soap operas...

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

"If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps."

I've been waiting all my life for this one to take effect. I tried convincing my college mates that we were in a musical and should get the words down pat. Unfortunately, we were never in synch with the dance steps, and were unsure of where the cameras were, besides. Fortunately, my daughter understands the situation better, and we are always bursting into song over the most ordinary tasks.

Nonny said...

I thought you didn't watch television. What's the deal?

Movies are entertainment and should be viewed as such. If you want reality then watch documentaries. Those lists were very accurate though.

Brad the Gorilla said...

Nonny: Just about everything I watch is either on DVD or downloaded from iTunes, and is watched on a computer screen. So, I don't watch television, I watch computer. Ho ho.

Of course movies are entertainment! It's just very funny how certain motifs crop up over and over. One of the characters on "Lost" is great in that way: when something crops up where you think, "Oh no, now so and so is going to rise from the dead and haunt everyone," the character states just that thought. That way, you know it's not going to happen. This could all be a setup for a later surprise, though.

Fridaysweb said...

Of course, if you're a teenage girl, it is imperative that you wear a white t-shirt with no bra. You WILL get wet and most likely have your head chopped off or get stabbed in the heart by some huge machete. Don't all women (young and old) go outside, in the dark and rain, all alone, to see what that noise was? I know I do.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Quit playing computer games and "scratching" yourself in the intimate way that male gorillas do and get posting or the International Blog Police will descend on your street and hunt you down... No blog entry by the weekend and I swear I will contact them!