Why Mondays are Rough

Dear Brad,
Why are Mondays always so rough? Why do the weeks seem so long and the weekends not long enough? Why are there not enough hours in the day?
Sincerely,
Lady K

Dear Lady K,

Long ago, when the world began, the days of the week were as demigods. On an intellectual level, these demigods understood that there must be order of precedence so that there might be harmony and balance in the known universe. However, soon after the order of precedence was set (they drew comets, and the demigod with the shortest comet tail got to choose first, penultimate shortest comet tail got to choose next, etc.), there was fighting and chaos among three of the demigods. Saturday, Sunday and Monday each vied to be the first day of the week. After many bloody noses and broken eye-balls, Saturday and Sunday formed an alliance whereby Sunday would be first and Saturday last, yet as the last shall be first, so should Saturday also have an esteemed place of honor in the order of precedence. Monday, a small but wirey demigod, protested against this alliance, and in retaliation, Saturday and Sunday totally pummelled Monday. To this day (a Monday, in fact!), Monday has sabotaged the hedonism and high-living of Saturday and Sunday (called "the week-end" in honor of Saturday, as part of the agreement). Thus, much of humanity has had to suffer the fallout of this ancient quarrel. The French, Germans and Italians have escaped this fate by making Monday the first day of the week on their calendars, and while their Mondays are just delightful, the weekend demigods have demonstrated their wrath by making sure the children of the French, Germans, and Italians have to go to school on Saturdays.

Your other questions are harder to answer, but not impossible. Weeks are so long and the weekends are not long enough have something to do with the space-time continuum and wormhole technology. I know this is scant comfort for you in these difficult times, but at least you now know it's not your overdriven imagination, but actual quantum physics at work! However, the reason why there are not enough hours in a day is purely the fault of Caesar Otobrio IV, who traded in two of the hours of the day in exchange for godhood and a powerful guitar riff.

Your friend,
Brad the Gorilla