Pudding Perspective

Mr. Pudding provides his own perspective regarding his guest spot on Cooking With Bradley. I wish I could have gotten pictures of the event, but my Landlord had lent it to some friends to photograph the traveling Doorknobs and Paperclips exhibit. What a pity.

Other than a brief incident in which live eels, overripe bananas and rude words were thrown, Mr Pudding and I got along swimmingly. Mrs Pudding had sent along a plum pudding for the House of Glee (out of season, but who cares!) and we all ate it with relish. Just kidding. We doused it with Bird's Custard and pronounced it delicious.

Cooking with Pudding

Good evening. As promised in last week's episode, this week on Cooking With Bradley features special guest Chef Pudding. So really, we will not be cooking with pudding, as the snappy title suggests, but Cooking With Pudding. In honour of Chef Pudding's homeland, we shall commence with a succulent dish enjoyed by Englishfolk everywhere: Jellied Eels. Fear not, it is fairly easy to make as long as you have fresh eels.

Jellied Eels
INGREDIENTS:
Eels - 900 g (2lb)
Grated nutmeg - pinch
Lemon - 1 zest and juice
Fresh herbs - a few, chopped
Fish stock - 600 ml (1 pint)
Onion - 1 small, finely chopped
Carrot - 1 small, finely chopped
Celery - 1 small, finely chopped
Bouquet garni - 1
Gelatine - 15g (.5 oz)

COOKING: 1. Skin and bone the eels but do not cut them up. Lay them on the table, skin side down and sprinkle with grated nutmeg, a little grated lemon zest and the chopped herbs.

2. Cut the fish into pieces about 4 inches long. Roll up each piece and tie with strong cotton or fine string. Put the stock, vegetables and bouquet garni into a saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the eels and simmer very gently until tender, for about an hour.

3. Lift out the fish take off the cotton or string and place the eels in a basin. Measure the stock and make up to 450 ml with water.

4. Add the gelatine to the lemon juice to dissolve the gelatine, then add this to the hot stock. Stir until completely dissolved. Strain this over the fish and leave to set.

5. Turn out when cold and serve with a green salad and sliced gherkins.



Cheers!

If the idea of eating eels is a bit foreign to you, think of eel as the veal of fish (not that I'd know about veal, being vegetarian, but it's what others say). My Landlady is a big fan of eel sushi:



Whereas my Landlord prefers the spider roll:


For Nonny, I'd recommend the Hello Kitty sushi special:


Whoops, I got distracted by sushi. It's easy to do.

Chef Pudding still refuses to tell me the secrets of his Yorkshire Pudding recipe, but I shall find it and exploit it for nefarious gastronomical purposes.

Post Removed Replaced

I took down the Battlestar Galactica spoiler, because as it turned out, it was a spoiler for people who hadn't yet seen Season One. I am a bad, bad gorilla. I blame my Landlady, because of course, it's all her fault.


Addendum: I put it back up with a warning that it's SEASON TWO. The strange thing is, it really is my Landlady's fault. She called up someone to tell him that the spoilers were just jokes (hah!), conveniently blocking out the fact that her friend hadn't yet seen all of Season One.

Who is Number Seven?

HUGE Battlestar Galactica Season 2 Finale Spoiler Ahead!

*********

The new Cylon model featured in the Season 2 finale of Battlestar Galactica is going to be a surprise of massive significance. So far, we have seen of 6 out of 12 Cylon models: Number 3 ("D'Anna Beers," played by Lucy Lawless), Number 5 ("Aaron Doral"), Number 6 ("Gina"/"Shelly Godfrey"), Number 8 ("Sharon Valerii"), "Leoban Conoy," and "Simon." However, the introduction of Number 7 in the series finale will turn everything inside-out and make everyone truly question what it is to be human... and Cylon.


Avert your eyes....






Avert your eyes....






Avert your eyes....







NOW!







You totally didn't see that coming... did you?

Cooking With Bradley: Pumpkin Custard

With all of the hub-bub over blogjail, I completely overlooked my regularly scheduled program, Cooking with Bradley. I plan to make pumpkin custard soon, but in case I don't get photos out, you can try the recipe of my own devising. (Sorry, Mr Pudding, you'll just have to adapt the recipe to metric measurements.) In the meantime, here is a stock photo that looks remarkably akin to my finished product:



If you are interested in trying this recipe, do not, under any circumstances,
get intimidated by the water bath used for custards. If you have a lasagna sized
pan and a liquid measuring cup with a spout, it is pretty easy to give the
custards a bath without burning yourself in the process.


Pumpkin Custard

1 cup milk (with some fat in it)
1 cup cooked, pureed pumpkin (canned is easiest)
2 eggs, beaten
1 tablespoon maple syrup (preferably Grade B)
1 teaspoon vanilla
½ teaspoon cardamom
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
(feel free to substitute spices, but use them in small amounts)

1) Heat milk until just steaming.

2) Beat eggs, then add pumpkin, maple syrup and spices. Blend until just mixed.

3) Add heated milk slowly, stirring.

4) Add vanilla

5) Pour into four medium sized custard cups.

6) Place four cups in a lasagna sized baking dish. Do not let the cups touch the
sides of the baking dish or each other.

7) Place the baking dish with cups into the oven, preheated to 325 degrees
Fahrenheit. While the oven door is open, pour water inside the baking dish until
it comes up to the sides of the custard cups ½ way (at least). A glass measuring cup with a spout works just fine.

8) Bake 40-50 minutes. The middles of the custards should be slightly jiggly but not sloshy.

9) Cool completely and refrigerate or eat at room temperature.

Join me next week, when I will be cooking with special guest, Chef Pudding. Chef Pudding will be my sous chef, as I, Bradley the Gorilla, am always the top chef in the kitchen. Watch in amazement as Chef Pudding obeys my every command! Watch how I switch from English measures to Metric measures and back again without missing a beat while Chef Pudding frantically looks for the metric conversion charts in The Joy of Cooking. Join us in the finale, when outraged beyond belief, Chef Pudding throws a fit AND a bowlful of batter at yours truly. You won't want to miss anything on the next installment of Cooking with Bradley.

Tutor

Little does my Landlord know that I'm tutoring his daughter in Latin. Even if she weren't the Landlord's daughter, I would still think she was the cleverest creature in the world. Among other things, she's got a real handle on the word "No."

Flying

Some people have this attitude about flying:

Come Josephine in My Flying Machine

Others have this attitude about flying:
High Flight

This is my attitude about flying:



I'm pragmatic, as you know. Now, all I need is more funding. Mr Pudding, keep selling those pens!

And yes, Lady K, I realize that you were temporarily looped when you suggested I use the money from the helicopter fund for bail. You and Nonny may both ride in my helicopter as long as Hitman J dangles from the landing skids while doing death-defying stunts a la James Bond. I will land the 'copter on Friday's boat. I'm sure she won't mind.

Sprung

I'm out of blogjail! In the middle of the night, Ulric showed up with a vintage "Get Out of Jail Free" card from his Bradopoly set. The jailer was furious, but there was nothing he could do. A Get Out of Jail Free card is non-negotiable.

It's such a relief to be out. I am grateful (in a gruff, hairy way, of course, that is not mushy in any shape or form) for all of you who lobbied for my release. Hitman J, I looked all over for the sign with the two clamps, but I didn't see it. I heard some clanking during the night from my cell-neighbor down the way, followed up a shouts of "Yippee!" so I suspect that person was the one who had your cell.

Friday and Lady K, thank you for all of the cannoli. Three dozen wasn't quite enough to give me a stomachache, but I had a fun time trying. Nonny, thank you for all of your petitions, though I really don't know what you meant by "harmless." I'm harmful. A menace to society, that's what I am... whoops, I'd better keep a low profile for a few days. You're right, though, in that Hitman J needs to take a photo of himself in his new finery.

Mr Pudding, I appreciate all of the ballpoint pens you sold to free me. Unfortunately, the Monkey didn't have a get out of jail free card, but fortunately, he wasn't in jail in the first place.

And finally, one more note to Lady K: "Use the money from tee-shirt sales," you said. Woman, are you crazy?! That's for the helicopter fund. Thwup, thwup, thwup.

I'm in Blogjail

I am writing from jail. Blogjail, to be exact. I am allowed one 10 minute blog post before they cart me away. Please come visit me, and bring bail, too. Last night, I was busted for falsely representing myself as an erew-folk (more specifically, "Hitman B") with the intent of getting people to divest their cannoli supplies to me. I had gotten the idea from my Landlady's blog with the onset of the new moon. I would convince you all I was undergoing a metamorphoses into Hitman B, and the only cure would be large plates of cannoli. My Landlady got wind of the scheme, told her friends, and then before I knew it, the Blogpolice showed up. They were ruthless. They took my cannoli away (I'll bet they ate it themselves) and carted me off to Blogjail.

My Landlady feels badly about the whole thing, and is trying to raise the bail. Please send comments. Lots of comments. Good ones. Please.

I'm Still Hitman B

I'm still Hitman B! As of now, there's 1 % left of the waning crescent moon. During the complete new moon, I will forget entirely about my identity as Brad the Gorilla until the moon begins to wax again. Bear with me, my friends. It's more difficult for me than it is for you. Among other things, this transformation has given me a powerful craving for cannoli. Perhaps the cannoli (should I be so lucky as to get some) will cure me of this affliction.

Ahem. You might want to send me some cannoli, post haste. In fact, why don't you give into the impulse? You'll be glad you did. So will I.

Meanwhile...

I've been rampaging all over the internet, leaving insightful and scary comments everwhere I go. Meanwhile, I (Hitman B) am featured in a story about Dave, the Frozen Yorkshire Pudding. I wish the story were about cannoli, but one has to make do with what one gets, unless of course one throws what one gets out the window and demands something new.

I'm Hitman B!

Were-folk are affected by the full-moon. Erew-folk, like me, are affected by the new moon. During this new moon cycle, I undergo a strange, uncanny transformation whereby I morph into someone else, and yet maintain my own Bradness. Since there is still 10% of the moon left, I still have 10% of me, and 90% of Hitman J. It sounds crazy, and it is! Behold:



Here is my blog entry as Hitman B. You will have to highlight the text in order to read it, because, of course, Hitman B types in white ink:

Ok, I know I made some comments around the Blogosphere about being a good cook, but I was faking it. I rarely cook these days. However, today will be a treat. The pizza dough is rising in the back room and in just under an hour I should be dining on my first hommade (all by myself) pizza!

This has inspired me to solicit recipes. Anyone got a favorite chili recipe? Cookies? Chicken Banana dishes (involve cheese and you get bonus points).

I once had a dish that was chicken bananas and Doritos burritos and cheese. I wish I'd written it down.

I just ordered some cookie dough from the local elementary school. It is chocolate cookie with mint banana chips. MMMmmm I love mint banana chocolate. I make my own special brownies: take any brownie mix, replace half the oil with creme de menthe banane syrup (oil-like consistency). No creme de menthe banane? You can use chocolate mint rum, but you should use all the oil the recipe calls for and just splash in the mint syrup to taste drink all the rum. I even have used peppermint whisky, but careful, that stuff is strong!

Another trick up my sleeve is to put a strong dash of cinnamon in my chocolate chip cookies. Not so much you can taste it outright, just enough to give it an extra zing punch.

We already discussed my lasagna once, but it is my piece de resistance! Sicillian style, with sausage basil pesto, ricotta, and lots of cheese!

Time to toss the pie in the oven.

Cooking with Bradley

Welcome to the first installment of my new feature,
Cooking With Bradley.

Each week, I will share with you in an easy-to-follow format one tried and true recipe that is guaranteed to wow your family! This week, I am starting with something simple but delicious. Even the pickiest of eaters will enjoy this classic Greek delight:

Tossed Eggplant and Zucchini


You will need:

1-3 ripe eggplants


1 raw zucchini


water


olive oil


sea salt (not the Hain brand)



Directions:

1) Peel and chop the raw eggplant into 2 inch cubes



2) Peel and chop the raw zucchini into 2 inch cubes



3) Get a pot. In the pot, add just enough water to cover the bottom. Place a vegetable steamer (also known as a "UFO") into the pot. Combine chopped zucchini and eggplant in the steamer, and steam, covered, until lightly cooked.




4) Remove from the pot. Coat the pieces with olive oil and salt, making sure that oil and salt are distributed evenly over the surfaces of the vegetables.



5) Open a window.



6) Toss zucchini and eggplant out the window.


7) Order out for Greek pizza.



Opa!

Stamp

Once again, my older brother Shadrach the silverback (a.k.a. Shadley-Wadley the Golden Boy) gets all the praise. This time, it's in the form of a postage stamp commemorating his breakthrough research in the study of snow algae, also known as watermelon snow. This breakthrough has a lot to do with the current ecosystem, and that's all I know.



My parents are going to pieces over Shad's latest honor. Just now, they emailed me to ask when I'm going to stop with the blogging silliness and get a proper job like Shad. "I do have a proper job," I told them. "I'm a class-act chef. I'm CEO of my own company. Sometimes, I play in a band."

They pointed out that no one exactly knows what Bradley Enterprises, Inc. actually does. I told them that it doesn't matter. My core clients believe in what I do and back me 67%. My parents should have been thrilled by that news. Instead, they asked me what I did to alienate the other 43%.

Are everyone's parents so product-oriented?

Google Image Search Meme

I had promised Mr Pudding that I would do much mischief while he was in Madrid, but I failed. I have been dealing with the sniffles all week, and that has made me tired and grumpier than usual. However, I shall pick up the photo meme Mr Pudding featured on his blog. It's milder than what I had planned (hint: it involved banana cream pies and Mr Pudding's slippers) but it will have to do.

In your Google Image search, post the first photo for each search you do of the following items:

1) City and province/state/country where you were born:



2) Current town/city of residence:



3) Your names (first and last):



(How many of you were expecting this photo instead?)








4) Grandmother's first name:



5) Favorite food:



6) Favorite drink:



7) Favorite odor:



8) Favorite song:



9) Favorite gorilla:

Happy Schmalentine's Day

My Landlord insisted on hugging me while the Landlady took this photo. O, the things we celebrities have to endure as the price of our fame. The humilation never ends.

I hope I get a Valentine cookie out of this deal.

LEGO makeover

You've got a lot to explain, Hitman J! This LEGO makeover is all your fault. I am never again taking your fashion advice.

It all started off in an innocuous manner... or so I thought.

"You're a handsome gorilla," J told me, "but even you could benefit from a LEGO makeover. It's done wonders for my complexion and the ladies really go for the angular look. It's so much better than a Yahoo Avatar. Trust me. Go to this place, tell them that 'Johnny Clamps' sent you, and you won't be sorry."

I can't believe how undignified and silly I look. What's with the Green Lantern symbol on a yellow shirt? Preposterous, I say. My chef's hat doesn't fit, either, and my head feels funny. It's going to take me all weekend to get this mess sorted out.

Hitman J, you owe me an ice-cream cone. No, two ice-cream cones.

O woe is me!

They're Taking Our Language to Isengard!*

I am shocked, simply shocked, by an email I received last night forwarded to me from the Queen of England. As you know, the Queen and I are on good terms, but I really think she has gone too far this time in bestowing her blessing upon such a venture.

The email:

European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivill servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typwriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivon vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

This time, Her Majesty's Government has gone too far. As Owen Meany would say, I shall not tolerate this UNSPEAKABLE OUTRAGE. I urge all of you to join me in a fervent letter-writing campaign to protect the sanctity of our language and stop this War on upon English.

*The title of this post, "They're Taking Our Language to Isengard!" is an allusion to a particular earworm of a video. If you have forgotten what an earworm is, click here for my scholarly essay on the subject.

Gorilla Tires

Somebody explain to me how gorilla balloons became so popular for selling cars, when most people in their right minds wouldn't let gorillas near their cars. Of course, we're qualified to sell airplanes and helicopters if we so choose, but I suspect some sort of hypocrisy in the mix.

The one pictures I find amusing is of the inflatable gorilla holding up a "free childcare" sign. I can relate. I have had to babysit the Landlord's daughter ad infinitum. I am thinking of raising my rates.

Addendum from the comments section:

Must have been a special on the blue one with sunglasses and swimming trunks. The CHURCH? That's funny.

"My brothers and sisters, we need to find an affordable way to spread the Good Word to the masses."

"Brother Paul, I have a cousin who owns a car dealership. How about a giant blue gorilla?"

"But why a Gorilla?"

"He could hold a sign that says 'Free Childcare'"

"SWEET. Let's do it!"

"AMEN."

--Hitman J

Ode to the Seattle Seahawks (updated)

Tonight, the Seahawks lost the Superbowl to the Steelers! I'm a bit down, because that means there won't be any more blue cupcakes. Ever since I was a little gorilla, I have wanted birthday cakes with blue frosting, but my mother said, "No, Brad, blue is not a natural color." I pointed out that the sky was blue, but my mother was undeterred. As an adult gorilla, I always thought I'd make my own blue frosting cakes, but I got distracted by bananas and chocolate. I thought that if Seattle won the Superbowl, there would be blue cupcakes galore. But now, there are no more. I've composed a lament for the occasion in memory of the Seattle Seahawks' brief glimpse of glory:

(To the tune of "Blue Christmas"):

There'll be no blue cupcakes without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of sprinkles on top of icing
Won't be the same if they're yellow or green

And when those souffles start falling
That’s when those azure delights start calling
You’ll be doin’ all right, with your sweets red or white
But I want a blue, blue blue blue cupcake.



Saturday, February 4th, 2006:


O Seahawks
On your way to the Super Bowl
For the first time in 30 years,
Please win the game
So that I may find
More blue cupcakes on my plate.

Monkey's New Yahoo Avatar

Not too long ago, I created a Yahoo avatar, but I was disatisfied with the appalling lack of diversity among the primate choices. I wasn't a human, so why did I have to pretend otherwise? I studied the problem astutely and came up with something simple but brilliant: my Bravatar. Behold:



I couldn't stop there. Deep down inside,I suspected my simian friend Monkey secretly wanted an accurate avatar of his own...but what to do? The problem haunted me for many days. Then, in a brilliant flash of insight, the solution came to me:



Congratulations, Monkey. You too can now display a two-dimension depiction of your true self in the Yahoo IM world and beyond. The cup in your hand contains Spinning Girl's famous Mayan hot chocolate. I don't know why you have a horse in your living room. It just showed up. Maybe it's your rhino unicorn?